Of course..

making a move

I really want to make a big change. sort of physically, i want to be in a different space. I have an urge, a wanderlust that is threatening to overtake me and i may be okay with that.

MEEPS

Teaching again in Massachusetts this summer
YAY!

I really do enjoy it there.

awareness

Remember, the movie Clueless  ! About a young girl being completely unaware of the ripple effect of her superficial existence and in the end all for love.

For love? or maybe love was just something that happened naturally along the way.

I feel that most people are unaware of their rippling effect on others.

just a small small little bit of a thought I may elaborate on when I have spent more subways rides pondering my existential crisis.

I wonder if doctors or lawyers have inner fights with themselves. I also wonder who in the UK, Russia and germany is looking at this thing?

God save the queen? The proletariat?


stone carving                    versus               giving birth.    a comparison of creation.

lasts forever                                            80 years

hard work                                                sex
inexpensive                                           tons of money
cannot reverse damage                          cannot reverse damage
impresses people                                   scares people
can be done alone                                  involves collaboration
 

hmmmmmmmmmm. i think this is what one may call dingus

An answer

Whether it be psychology, poetry, science, astrology, art, or religion, they are all serving one function amongst many. they.are all looking for answers to our questions, the solutions to our problems and some meaning In the vast array of emptiness.

Accepting the vast array of infinities seems impossible or even inconceivable.

Inactive

ever read a book and are unsatisfied with the ending because you needed to read more?

maybe the ending of any great book is hard to let go of, WHY CANT THIS STORY KEEP GOING??

just a weird thought, as I ramble on about the last few months, I have had this air of inactivity.

who I aspire to be has been the same for 7 years. no question.

i have sort of been shut off lately in a way. Partly on purpose, I've been gaining some weird understanding about myself. About things handed down by generations. It's amazing, how far back some things can go. I asked a really hard question today. A question that will improve my life. I stood up for myself in a way. I took an initiative that the thought of doing had turned my vibrant soul into a cowering listless little sod.

thank you sculpture Gods?

tomorrow is another one of my great days off.

My plans are vast and unrelenting.

Rebeca Acosta list

My feelings
General feeling I.e. sad. Happy etc,

Intentions

Use of color

Use of material

Use of meaning

Body dismorphing

Femininity not used as a statement of womanhood but more for self identity ( self portrait.)

Implied movement . Very important. Think berninis David

Favorite inspirational things
Francis Bacon, pope paintings muscular studies etc,

Chroma phobia by DAVID BATCHELOR

movie, the Science of sleep. Which exemplifies the dissociation between reality and dreams that can occur, I sometimes relate to

Love me if you Dare. A movie about how immaturity and love can collide in a very disastrous manor.

Amelie, artistic romance classic, epic color palate

Catcher I the rye. Psychologically one of the most enthralling books I've ever read,

Nirvana,....need I say more

Wish I could be there : notes from an agoraphobic life. A very good book that challenges our fears and phobias and urges people struggling with compulsions to look to their past for answers. Basically stating that the answers or reasons for o see demons is within our own minds.

So this was an old list I made about things that I look to when I make a piece of work.

thingsies.

Talking to new people is exciting

feeling like at any moment im going to say something and you will realize I am a horrifying monster.

The world is an interesting place

I sometimes feel like I'm living 8 different lives. Where do they all collide? Will they ever?

Does anyone else feel like they have many different lives in different places at all times?

I'm being vague again.

Me Oh My

So I am 25 now.
WOW WEE

Hanging out with an old friend is making me feel like I am changing a Lot./

I just dont care about things I used to. like going out and drinking to get drunk. 

I mean I can enjoy those things dont get me wrong but I uh. Well I feel the need to savor my time and use it to be productive. I have a passion and goals and I think hanging out with people who dont have those things really just makes me bored. the worst feeling is that of wasting time. I just cant stand the whole doing shots "im so wasted" "lets get fucked up" part of our culture. Escapism is raping us of real experiences.

I want to be around people that want to enrich their lives and become better than who they are.

thats what I am doing. thats where I am at in my life.

just more thoughts.

<3 br="">
Beca

i feel sick

I is a sick,

it makes me a sad

sick = sad.

beebop

i got the first round of the gaurdasil shots yesterday. GROSS. Everyone should get it, boys too. Ovarian cancer is one of the deadliest forms of cancer.

ok I will go away now.
Also does anyone else notice the revival of the HIV virus in the media?

Something funny. I spoke to one of my roommates about the gaurdasil shot, and she was like "it hurts so bad" so for some reason I thought people received the shot in the vagina. and I was a bit worried about getting a vaginal shot. DUH! cuz that's weird. and also who would complain about a shot in the arm? I mean yeah it hurts a bit but, as young american adults we have spent the better half of our lives being poked with immunizations  My other roommate informed me that it was just in the arm and we had a big laugh about it.

so glad I don't have anxiety about shots in the arm. I do look away, but that because when I look at it I always get a bit of anticipation before it goes it, like some odd thought "Okay it is gonna hurt soon"

oh yeah I have had this cough for like 4 months....................it's getting old.

if you don't know, do your research.

Wet Pain

LOL

creepy title.

ok so, I am in an art show that recruited the artists by finding OK Cupid profiles from artists with one.

it is such a clever idea I really enjoy the concept. Because it is a dating art show. Theoretically, it would be a win/win for me, a person who had an OkCupid! and is an artist. right?

Except I have never used it for a date, or even gotten close to one. I am open to the idea, dont get me wrong but when push comes to shove, I haven't met anybody interesting enough to even see once or I suspect I am not ready at all to date. In fact, I would never even ask anybody on a date at this point in my life. I am way too self involved right now. A relationship with me would be one sided. that side would be wherever the garbage can was located.

So, I Rebeca Acosta have succeeded in getting an art show out of a dating website before attaining a date.

WTF ha. I think it's great, almost anomalous. I also think I may be fucking up the control of this social experiment. Whatever

shit happens and who knows I may find the love of my life.


the ability to be loved is just as important as being able to love. Just saying, dont touch me.

it would be cool if I could find out who reads this shit.....my google stats say a couple peeps. Someone in Germany too

Dream Wars part 2

LockJaw dream:

I used to have this re-occuring dream that I couldnt open my mouth and that the muscles were so tight and I would try so hard to open my jaw but they would just tighten up more.

last week I had another dream.

anyways I looked up the word lockjaw and found a weird ass word origin

Locust Valley Lockjaw, an upper-class American accent.

pretty cool I wonder what it sounds like

just watch movies from the 1950's...........................there you go locust valley lockjaw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V9nsxGuYJo0

or this famous american author...

sometimes

There's that feeling of satisfaction

with ones life

with a days work

with a full heart.

sometimes I have that feeling

Fake southern quotes

I put the cunt in country.



.....I'm sorry.

Dream

had a massive 2 inch wide part in my very thin hair was trying to comb it in such a way that I could hide how bald I was becoming.

so odd

" i loved you as if we were going to die the same day"

Epic.

 fueled by the experiences prior

woe betide those who have loved so greatly

that not to love

is a loss that cannot be fathomed by imagination

rather experienced in excruciating detail over and over

until one day the memory slow and thick in viscosity

fades out enough for life without, to trickle back into an inhabitable reality


Define:
.............................stupid period films inspiring love poems....................................................

germANY

some things i like

The pope resigns. What's the big deal?

So the pope is giving up Catholicism for lent. Does anyone else feel like without the Internet, the popes "mental/health issues" would have never gotten so bad. Just throwing my stick In The fire, crucifixes rather.

......I.e. just thinking how accountable we have to be now because everyone can see you. The downfall of the Catholic Church has been catalyzed ten fold by the Internet. The downfall of many things, lance, tiger, Tom cruise, Scientology doesn't sound like a cult until you read about it, on the Internet when your 12. ... Just saying, people are being held more accountable faster, there's no more " that was years ago, I've since changed"
People always say, watch what you put on the Internet but I think we should watch what we put out into the world. There are no real secrets at the end of the day, at least not anymore. You think people don't talk, ya dead wrong. I'm not saying, be paranoid. I'm just stating facts, everyone talks, everyone talks faster now. The days of people forgetting are over..... Now it's like, wait hold on let me check, yeah it is In this email. Omg I almost forgot, yeah I know, crazyyyyy!

I'm happy about this new information super surge, it is crazy but I believe it will, in the long run make the world, and maybe even the Catholic Church better, that is all. It's been about 15 years of Internet world, my bandwidth is only getting faster.

Beca

Reminds me of drawing seminar, Len stokes....the man

Peter O’Brien, Teaching Notes, Paris College of Art, 2012.

.........so

Just got this text from my little brother.......?

My ghetto way

I have a gift, it is a certain type of creativity that happens when one grows up poor. It is called a ghetto way . It is just my way.lol.

Another Bullshit night in Suck City

I have a fascination with homelessness. But i cant quite understand it, there are so many things involved. So many different types of homeless.

In my phase I went through of reading the memoirs of poets, I came across Nick Flynn's book Another Bullshit Night in Suck City.  Where he works at a homeless shelter in Boston and one of the Homeless people he runs into is his estranged father.

Talk about fate. He wasn't even from Boston nor was his father.

Anyways I don't know I just look at them and I look so hard and think about, how?

Some people can be helped and some cant be, and I am sure that some of the homeless out there can be helped but I also feel like in our culture and  in these times, some will never ever find their way.

There is really no way to tell who can and cannot be saved.

Time of course will tell all.

So I never give a coin. I just can't, it is not the help they need. I cant give them what they do need, but I also dont feel like wasting my change on false promises. I'm better off making a wish in a fountain. less money, less drugs, less alcohol. Most times addiction masking mental illness. Eventually making it worse. .. until the inevitable death. The pretend solutions of a homeless shelter, which are good things but it just never really is enough.
 The rancid smell of piss, shit and BO. The smells of insanity. NYC SUBWAY. The smell of the deterioration of our cultures need to care, the continuation of the numbness to feeling. People pretending not to see.

these are really unfinished thoughts, things that I think about from time to time, expressed. I am not sure what this exploration of thought will lead to. I guess it is an odd thing to feel for something beyond me. What good can it do? but maybe thats the wrong attitude as well.

Just thinking........... A lot a bit

So I haven't had a cigarette in about a month and it was so much easier than usual to stop because I really feel like I want to never do it again and my reasons are more personal and less social or swayed by others. I found that I was feeling more dissonance with it than usual like it was not even a choice anymore, just a feeling, no more. Well it's hard to explain because it is more of an emotion than a decision. I guess it felt like the right thing to do, it feels like the right time.


I still have a cough that won't go Away which is bothersome. May have to stop over at the docs office And Ask away


I've been trying to make a lot of positive changes. I have glasses now so that I can see better......duh. My room is clean for once. I've been trying to cook my own food. Planning time to create. It's a bit hard because I desperately need a job. I posted things to sell on etsy, eBay, and half.com. But I have an interview for something cool soon.

I'm trying not to be too hard on myself because I want so many things out of life and I feel like my job is a massive waste of time it is easier after a long day of work and maybe some rude New Yorker encounters to get a bit down. I am definitely not living up to my potential. Just trying to figure it all out. What do I want? What's the best way for me to get it and so forth.

After what happened with my mom this year I've just decided to try to take better care of myself or welli guess I never learned to. I kind feel like I had to start from the beginning and learn to be a proper adult. Just little shit, like putting my keys away in a logical spot, being clean, being positive, little decisions like going to bed at a proper hour. Not wasting time going out, trying to treat my body like more of a temple. Trying. I'm getting there. It is hard, things are tempting, drinks are flowing like waterfalls and I'm afraid I might drown

So many people drink so much here. It seems easy to get caught up and think that it is normal behavior but I'm not sure it is, I think people can't see themselves I'm not sure I want to brush things off like there No big deal. Everything has an effect, things build up and escalate. There are consequences, hindsight may be 20/20 but there are also the examples left by the millions of human beings that came before us, I'm going to open up my eyes more. I don't want to blow anything off I want to own myself and who I am and what I do because I need to, I need to have that honesty with myself to feel whole I need to understand why. Because I think understanding oneself is the only way to understand how I see the world, and to be open to new experiences, to learn.

Whatever.

This is cheese, eat it up. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Also cheese cup I made.

AWAKE

Tazo tea