Soul Fucker

Oh hey blog filled with me talking to myself about my things that arent actual objects.
Get it together beca......fine okay I will.

eyes adjust........

I was recently wondering very vigorously about a question I will never ask. these things in life that eat at you so hard may not ever be questions that are solved. maybe that is why they sink themselves so deeply in the thoughts because they are ever present questions. the only things that can answer my questions are time. The mind thinks it knows the answer but also time is just important. I takes time for real things to happen, substantive things. it always happens that these questions are only ever solved in one moment but it takes time to get to that moment. consider the work and the living that leads up to all these wonderful moments. all the experiences good and bad had to have happened.

What am i even getting at? Am I being to vague? I don't hold myself accountable to these questions. they just exist within me and i have no control. the control is in the censoring. the lack of advertising my true questions in the questioning of questions.

Have you ever watched someone destroy themselves?
it is pretty interesting. I have seen so many form of this and even within myself. I feel that everyone has a bit of it, some are worse of than others and others are so complex with it. one of the more interesting self destruction techniques involves many types of self sabotage spiritual, mental, emotional, physical and always unaware. Understanding why people do those things to themselves is such a puzzle sometimes. I know a guy who is just always trying to fiercly prove to himself he is a man, i wonder if he grew up without a father, or with a demeaning father, or with no father and a mother who hated men. BLAME THE PARENTS? perhaps it is not even their fault, the school system, the chips on your should put on their by little timmy in 5th grade, ashley noticed my nose when i was 15 and her comment about blackheads causes me to always pick at them and scar my nose..of that I have been fully aware. it is the things i am unaware of that i find perplexing and what i have seen from people who are unaware of their own weaknesses and constantly taking advantage of themselves. people need people to protect them from themselves. who is going to save you from yourself if your parents couldn't do it? but this is just a thought gone to far.... a question............made up answers.........self directed existence.

Here is a definition form the devils dictionary that i liked.....found funny
Advice: The smallest current coin.
Example:
Tim: The man was in such deep distress said tom that i could do no less than give him good advice
jim: if less could have been done for him, i know you well enough my son to know that's what you would have done.

baddabing thats funny. what a mean dad. see now that kid probably always grew up thinking everything he did wasnt good enough.

his dad was right though and that kid grew up inside each and every one of us. little bigfat americans wokring our hands to the nub and working our nubs to nothing. thank God for Coca Cola which refreshes me after a long day of work and replenishes my fat that I will one dayuse to enhances my sagged ragged face when i get older. and the retirement money from social security that I will use for collagen and breast implants at age 64. AMERICAAAAAA<3. seriously though..
Soul fucker is a great title.

Children are the future, not now.

YOU KNOW I know, i know you know, you know i know you know, i know you know i know you know. just saying it's out there

DUDES omg I am completely ridiculous. my life is so interesting right now. my thoughts are very clear, i sleep so calm and settled. i am wilder than ever

like a vicious lioness.

Before these past few months things were so rocky. like hurty rocky, my life and feelings were all jumbly and messy and gross and I was so lonely even though i saw my friends all the time.

SO WHAT THE FUCK CHANGED?

a lot. everything. nothing. only the important stuff. surrounding myself with good people was a big step. I also had to debunk a little. kind of ween off some of the bad characters in life. that was super important. but aside from all of that I feel that i am moving and progressing in such a positive way. I am also kind of learning more so how to be an adult.

don't worry Im still the same jerky cocky little wiener. i got pain in the ass mastered. haha ass master. immature? whatever immature is funny.

i wish i could write more but this is the interweb and anyone can have access and as paranoid as i like to avoid being. I feel that one must always try to exercise ea reasonable amount of caution with these things.

also for some reason, well not no reason, but I got a strange feeling about a certain issue that concerns a couple of months ago. also a sensitive topic. not really for me but i have no idea who. if anyone. reads this. it's hard to also verbalize this topic it is strange. i have never encountered it and also i have no idea of the proper way to have or still handle it. it did scare me though. people are weird. they get haughty, territorial, jealous, sabatorial, competitive, and just downright ugly sometimes. but uh i have recently came into clarity about that too.

some friends had told me some fucking bull about people getting weird when their going through a hard time. but you ever notice that some folks are always going through a hard time? even if they are actually fine? just a thought. people get addicted to stress. i dont need that shit. dont want it. fuck all that mess. i get stressed too but damn let shit go. life happens once.

i also learned about too good to be true. that shit smarts. and im a sucker for a smile and a bribe of words. oh yeah this is all free take take take. then I turned around and BAM! just got fucked over. it's a damn shame how young nice people can get taken advantage of, RIGHT SALLIE MAE? bitch. haha jk i love that hoe. but seriously be careful everyone has needs and agendas and i think it's best to look for people who are straightforward. nice and timid can be a molotov cocktail for sneaky manipulative and passive aggressive. when I was 20 i learned (harshly) that not everyone has good deep down inside, but i keep trying to find that in some people anyways. i got all this hope and shit. dreams of prosper and beauty. I sleep with a sense that I am doing my best and hoping everyone else is too. but man people are so complicated. and i used to try to fix them. Change comes from within. you have to find some light within yourself and bring it out.

i really am super stoked about lots of things, funny, at the same time, i am processing my last year, understanding what I have been doing with my time. i've done a lot and it may look like a little but it's not about instant gratification. I want this shit to last im preparing myself, working hard, and learning so much about life.

im not nice

im not nice.
i have the mean gene.
sometimes i say some shit and it's like smacking myself in the face.
self control/hard
nice/weird for me
shit/too late
honestly/im not gonna apologize
pride/i've got too much
hate/hater
my bad/ you started it
funny/ how it started
oh well/ always happens
use to it/ gonna happen again/ forever
infinite/ this pattern
life/ not infinite
chances/ i will only get so many
damn/ i hate making mends
bridges/ broken.
big deal/ what i make of it
reality = small fries

mad feelings yo

sometimes i just dont know..
sometimes you just cant ask yo mama.
sometimes you just gotta grow
life gets hard
lonely and cold
imma just call it growin old

ASS: good ass it gets

There was a pain

in my ass

that pain

was me

no matter how hard I tried

how long I pulled

I could not

get my head out of my ass

Therefore, my ass, has become,

my head.

on student loans

These are all just made up stories. None of this was real. Never ever. The fantasy, You can get an education and it will cost you just as much as everyone else.

In retrospect it was all worth it.

Less the never we persist to exist.
Did it ever make sense?
Existence?
or the lack of it?
The inconsolable lack of luster
The decisions I make to get that feeling.
The feeling that I am alive
When is being honorable just torture?
Can there be honesty in mistakes?
Can I let my debt own and control my life and my reason for being?
YES, and I have.
this belittles the real question
which is
should I?
Is it sane?
When I only get one life, and one existence
Can I waste it all on dead ended meaningless work.
Push back my passion and let existence, every waking hour be filled with work that I don't love.

My soul is aching for more
can I make, with respect and honor and love for my own life
can I give that life to honor decisions and mistakes of the past?
For what?
Good credit?

Should I let my debt ruin, own, persist to control and obliterate my youth and therefore my future.

Is there any honor in that? Hard work. Hard lessons. hard won money. hard life. hard heart.

I know I'm just another whiney artist
but am I even artist if I cannot create the way I want to?
or am I dying?
A dying artist.
Like a dying star.
I will not go out without a bang. I will insist to persist and I will do it with great integrity for if I lose myself
I lose everything.

I am what is really at stake

Money is not.

Money is not a variable in this equation. It is an obstacle. My love is what is at stake.

So new

WELL I am here in this cool place.........
I should take many pictures. Thats what I say about everything. It is true though, I should thoroughly record my happenings more especially since my memory can only be described as vague at best. I have a knack for strange facts though. Well anywho this place could be a fantastical blast. But truly only time will tell . Not sure what to quite make of it yet. I have some Independence is solitude that I have been longing for. It is weird though that this place has more people around than I have been around at once in a while but everyone kind of leaves well enough alone. It is some sort of mental peace i am gaining form this experience but as I stated before only time will tell. (corny and redundant.) next week I am off to teach some welding mess. Please let luck be on my side. Not scared of the teach but well, rather, the state of things that are out of my hand like my other jobby.

Well I guess i have nothing more eloquent to say at this point in time. It has been a rather slow start here. Which is suprising considering when I visited it was action packed. Maybe it's the weekendness of it. I suspect though that some happenings have made the social gethering somewhat amiss and mostly avoided this place is pretty vacant. It is somewhat startling since about 8 or 9 people live here. I am very glad though to not be involved in any social drama. For once in my short nosy life I have managed to avoid that.