YOU KNOW I know, i know you know, you know i know you know, i know you know i know you know. just saying it's out there

DUDES omg I am completely ridiculous. my life is so interesting right now. my thoughts are very clear, i sleep so calm and settled. i am wilder than ever

like a vicious lioness.

Before these past few months things were so rocky. like hurty rocky, my life and feelings were all jumbly and messy and gross and I was so lonely even though i saw my friends all the time.

SO WHAT THE FUCK CHANGED?

a lot. everything. nothing. only the important stuff. surrounding myself with good people was a big step. I also had to debunk a little. kind of ween off some of the bad characters in life. that was super important. but aside from all of that I feel that i am moving and progressing in such a positive way. I am also kind of learning more so how to be an adult.

don't worry Im still the same jerky cocky little wiener. i got pain in the ass mastered. haha ass master. immature? whatever immature is funny.

i wish i could write more but this is the interweb and anyone can have access and as paranoid as i like to avoid being. I feel that one must always try to exercise ea reasonable amount of caution with these things.

also for some reason, well not no reason, but I got a strange feeling about a certain issue that concerns a couple of months ago. also a sensitive topic. not really for me but i have no idea who. if anyone. reads this. it's hard to also verbalize this topic it is strange. i have never encountered it and also i have no idea of the proper way to have or still handle it. it did scare me though. people are weird. they get haughty, territorial, jealous, sabatorial, competitive, and just downright ugly sometimes. but uh i have recently came into clarity about that too.

some friends had told me some fucking bull about people getting weird when their going through a hard time. but you ever notice that some folks are always going through a hard time? even if they are actually fine? just a thought. people get addicted to stress. i dont need that shit. dont want it. fuck all that mess. i get stressed too but damn let shit go. life happens once.

i also learned about too good to be true. that shit smarts. and im a sucker for a smile and a bribe of words. oh yeah this is all free take take take. then I turned around and BAM! just got fucked over. it's a damn shame how young nice people can get taken advantage of, RIGHT SALLIE MAE? bitch. haha jk i love that hoe. but seriously be careful everyone has needs and agendas and i think it's best to look for people who are straightforward. nice and timid can be a molotov cocktail for sneaky manipulative and passive aggressive. when I was 20 i learned (harshly) that not everyone has good deep down inside, but i keep trying to find that in some people anyways. i got all this hope and shit. dreams of prosper and beauty. I sleep with a sense that I am doing my best and hoping everyone else is too. but man people are so complicated. and i used to try to fix them. Change comes from within. you have to find some light within yourself and bring it out.

i really am super stoked about lots of things, funny, at the same time, i am processing my last year, understanding what I have been doing with my time. i've done a lot and it may look like a little but it's not about instant gratification. I want this shit to last im preparing myself, working hard, and learning so much about life.

im not nice

im not nice.
i have the mean gene.
sometimes i say some shit and it's like smacking myself in the face.
self control/hard
nice/weird for me
shit/too late
honestly/im not gonna apologize
pride/i've got too much
hate/hater
my bad/ you started it
funny/ how it started
oh well/ always happens
use to it/ gonna happen again/ forever
infinite/ this pattern
life/ not infinite
chances/ i will only get so many
damn/ i hate making mends
bridges/ broken.
big deal/ what i make of it
reality = small fries

mad feelings yo

sometimes i just dont know..
sometimes you just cant ask yo mama.
sometimes you just gotta grow
life gets hard
lonely and cold
imma just call it growin old

ASS: good ass it gets

There was a pain

in my ass

that pain

was me

no matter how hard I tried

how long I pulled

I could not

get my head out of my ass

Therefore, my ass, has become,

my head.

on student loans

These are all just made up stories. None of this was real. Never ever. The fantasy, You can get an education and it will cost you just as much as everyone else.

In retrospect it was all worth it.

Less the never we persist to exist.
Did it ever make sense?
Existence?
or the lack of it?
The inconsolable lack of luster
The decisions I make to get that feeling.
The feeling that I am alive
When is being honorable just torture?
Can there be honesty in mistakes?
Can I let my debt own and control my life and my reason for being?
YES, and I have.
this belittles the real question
which is
should I?
Is it sane?
When I only get one life, and one existence
Can I waste it all on dead ended meaningless work.
Push back my passion and let existence, every waking hour be filled with work that I don't love.

My soul is aching for more
can I make, with respect and honor and love for my own life
can I give that life to honor decisions and mistakes of the past?
For what?
Good credit?

Should I let my debt ruin, own, persist to control and obliterate my youth and therefore my future.

Is there any honor in that? Hard work. Hard lessons. hard won money. hard life. hard heart.

I know I'm just another whiney artist
but am I even artist if I cannot create the way I want to?
or am I dying?
A dying artist.
Like a dying star.
I will not go out without a bang. I will insist to persist and I will do it with great integrity for if I lose myself
I lose everything.

I am what is really at stake

Money is not.

Money is not a variable in this equation. It is an obstacle. My love is what is at stake.

So new

WELL I am here in this cool place.........
I should take many pictures. Thats what I say about everything. It is true though, I should thoroughly record my happenings more especially since my memory can only be described as vague at best. I have a knack for strange facts though. Well anywho this place could be a fantastical blast. But truly only time will tell . Not sure what to quite make of it yet. I have some Independence is solitude that I have been longing for. It is weird though that this place has more people around than I have been around at once in a while but everyone kind of leaves well enough alone. It is some sort of mental peace i am gaining form this experience but as I stated before only time will tell. (corny and redundant.) next week I am off to teach some welding mess. Please let luck be on my side. Not scared of the teach but well, rather, the state of things that are out of my hand like my other jobby.

Well I guess i have nothing more eloquent to say at this point in time. It has been a rather slow start here. Which is suprising considering when I visited it was action packed. Maybe it's the weekendness of it. I suspect though that some happenings have made the social gethering somewhat amiss and mostly avoided this place is pretty vacant. It is somewhat startling since about 8 or 9 people live here. I am very glad though to not be involved in any social drama. For once in my short nosy life I have managed to avoid that.

i complained about your complaining. I was redundant. you were abnoxious. no one won.

Well. what am i supposed say?
the difference between what I think i might do, and what I actually do is vast. Is it that way for everyone?
I ignored someone. then i did it again to someone else. the thing is i wanted to do the exact opposite but my mind wouldn't let me. all the sudden, i felt as if my soul was crumbling into pieces and i got this urge to run as far away from these people as possible. the awful thing is I would have loved to stay. well the world works in mysterious ways. Somehow, it is probably some ridiculous fight or flight response where my nervousness turned into fear. I guess i have to make sense of things somehow.

people often get a surprise when I use the word shy to refer to myself, but it only occurs in certain instances. I need not detail which. but I hate the idea of being seen as rude when it is really some sort of odd social anxiety. it's kind of heartbreaking. I always talk to the shy kids because I know how that can be. it's like wanting what you can have and still not being able to get it. an involuntary self inflicted diet.

why though? I love the world so much. but even i cant give everything i want to. I'm sure my last recourse into love flayed my heart so badly that what is left is a piece so small that it can only love so much without getting exhausted. or maybe i am dead inside. I have lost all ability to love. it wont be long before I start killing. i will start small. I will kill it on the dance floor and slowly move up to the stage.