i complained about your complaining. I was redundant. you were abnoxious. no one won.

Well. what am i supposed say?
the difference between what I think i might do, and what I actually do is vast. Is it that way for everyone?
I ignored someone. then i did it again to someone else. the thing is i wanted to do the exact opposite but my mind wouldn't let me. all the sudden, i felt as if my soul was crumbling into pieces and i got this urge to run as far away from these people as possible. the awful thing is I would have loved to stay. well the world works in mysterious ways. Somehow, it is probably some ridiculous fight or flight response where my nervousness turned into fear. I guess i have to make sense of things somehow.

people often get a surprise when I use the word shy to refer to myself, but it only occurs in certain instances. I need not detail which. but I hate the idea of being seen as rude when it is really some sort of odd social anxiety. it's kind of heartbreaking. I always talk to the shy kids because I know how that can be. it's like wanting what you can have and still not being able to get it. an involuntary self inflicted diet.

why though? I love the world so much. but even i cant give everything i want to. I'm sure my last recourse into love flayed my heart so badly that what is left is a piece so small that it can only love so much without getting exhausted. or maybe i am dead inside. I have lost all ability to love. it wont be long before I start killing. i will start small. I will kill it on the dance floor and slowly move up to the stage.