A correspondence

he is broken hard xxx core. is that wrong? i bet it may be impossible he is 34.  i used to want to fix my mom/ gave up. ----------------has promis when i yell he listens. IGNORe FeELINGS enjoy snow fat. I will got get ice crream with rachel soon. I need a therapist when I get back to mull over why I am dumb and live with problems that arent mine and try to fix people and end up more broken. or maybe just become a born again christian and when i lose stuff blame God's will and accept that somehow someone is caring even though the world is tumbling down.


" the field cannot be seen well within the field "

BECA as much as you wish you can't fix people.

We're only self repairable 

I really like the addition to my nickname 

Maybe I'll get that tattooed on my ass 

Ha 

I kinda want a dumb tattoo

it's weird this clarity this feeling. I made some nice art at snow farm. i think that helped. I feel like i am more mature. I miss you. I will live somewhere new soon. i've decided to leave on  nice note still be friends. that how i role positivity.
and he bugged out and told me that I was lazy, stupid and that it wasn't his fault i cant make art. it was pretty nasty then I realized I couldn't be around someone who was so unstable and capable of saying mean things like that to me and never apologizing. it more complicated than that

 I mean also I thought of his relation to my mother and how maybe I am doing this cycle of living with unstable people over and over again and  I see it now. I was attracted because I thought I could help myself and him i thought I could help him get better just like I had tried to do throughout my childhood with my mother. I wanted to save him like i could never save her. But that is not my job, it is not my place and I never learned how to take care of myself. I want to learn how to take care of myself I want to be a real person who knows what i need and is willing to be okay with not trying to save everyone who is falling apart around me. I wanted so bad to solve peoples problem because I wish that everyone with great potential and beauty can love themselves and be happy. But they all cant.
i dont know craig. im not lost in myself right now. the pain of my mother doesnt cut deep for the first time in A long while. im so greatfull that I can see. I hope this doesnt sound crazy I just need to make because I have so much to say. The world can be painful so bad and yet I have gotten through so much and I am still okay and I dont know man. I have something. I feel like I have something to give with my work and my life and I cant wait to start again. I am not scared and alone like when i moved here. I am thankful for this place for being a perfect cocktail for self realization for discovery. I love you craig dude youve been a good friend and I dunno man youve been there for me and I appreciate that. I want to make more sculpture because I love it. it feeds my soul. but also i dont need to be around broken people anymore. It's not my fault I finally see that I could never have fixed my mother. for the first time i am not guilty, it's not my fault.

with love,
BECA