i dont understand the consensus woe

longing for more and still satisfied. That is the place I like to be in life. others however whine and complain, i have started to fake wince. Feigning pity. why do people want so much to be pitied?

today at work someone was in a bad mood. I thought it was funny. Being in a bad mood over stupid rude people. I don't know not really worth my time. but people have bad days.

everyone at work was having one. I was happy but i felt odd being that I was perpetually letting the busy time roll of my back. I guess i couldn't help my natural tendency to realize that my life could be so much harder. maybe their lives used to be easier?

but everyones different/ i can handle a lot i guess.

except when it comes to my heart. i wear that shit "on my sleeve"
that shit smarts. yesterday I thought i was dying when i cute boy said hello to me. i realized later i was just blushing super hardcore and that had never happened to me before. My face felt hot and my ears too. i guess i couldnt see my face so i didnt realize until i googled it later. a hot face means a red face and blah blah blah a full on face woodie. JESUS i cant handle myself. in time and with a lot of sedatives i can cotrol the severity of my reactions.

it is good to be intense though. it is just a tough road to travel.I love people but they affect me to the core of my being. today at work someone brought me and apple it was nice. I felt like the mix of a teacher and someone awesome.

People scare me. People excite me. work was slightly dramatic i pulled through and gained my mood. my sarcasm. I tried to spar with somoene but in hindsight i might have offended someone without saying anything true or offensive. Im not sure if thats a super power or if someone is just overlly sensitive. To be my friend they should have to get used to it as i mean no harm. In fact it is all in affection. I have the showy type of love with the flowers and guns.

as for my love life I have been trying to extinguish it after speaking with rob friday I realize I have been going about things all wrong. Not from anything he said I just somehow had a feeling that I needed to end everything I have going and start fresh with a clean slate. I want nothing so I can see clearly, see everything. Not sure that makes sense but I see it clearly. you know, now that the rain is gone? get it? get it? come on? thats sorta funny!

okay I reread that and its not funny. I dont know it is hard having a voice in writting. I just try to write the way I am thinking it. lots of run ons and fragments but damn I can hear myself.

My life is getting itself together. i wish i had time tomorrow to think but i work until exhaustion. tuesday though i get to feel my life hug my soul. I get to work only half a day. and for now that is my weekend. it hugs my soul, the blanket that is and I look at the clock it is 11 a.m. i make coffee. send an e-mail. watch will and grace, run a ferrand (a fun errand) Do my hair. remember to charge everything. this is tuesday. DEAR GOD I LOVE TUESDAY.

scultura manifesto part 1

DRAMATIZATION OF MY BRAIN:
i NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED YOU!

I BLEED YOU
WHY WONT YOU FEED ME
sculpture oh sculpture. why oh why wont you shelter me in your walls and cook my dinner and pay off my students loans. you flaccid whore. i miss your late night touches and the cuts you gave me when i wasnt looking. i watched your fire make my creations and for all this love you leave me so quickly, so sickly. with no course to tread my energies about with, I take this stand and vow to work my hardest to get you back. I fear the time i waste without you will take a toll on my soul. also im sorry i called you a whore, i pushed you away, btu you didnt have to make all my friends fall in love with you and hang out with them while i wasnt around. fine fine, you're right, i'm sorry, i don't own you, BUT SOMEDAY I WILL! DUN DUN DUN
p.s. im really sorry if you read this.

yo

happy new year.
cant wait to go back to new york and be an asshole, im serious, im rude

oh agnes please cure my badness

So, WHAT THE FUCK IS MY PROBLEM. dear God in heaven who the hell am I and why on earth did I do that?

well obvious reasons.
Alcohol. Stupidity. latent sub conscious feelings.

WHY AM I MATuring so slowly?
when am i gonna get my boobs?
oh shit i already have them. when are they gonna flatten down and not be important anymore. im tired of wanting and longing. I just want to be happy. it's a damn cycle first comes happy then comes trying to be that happy again all the time. GRATIFICATION IS A BITCH.
i wonder if the 2 years I have left on my insurance covers therapy. I wonder if using my friends for such things would cost me more money than therapy in the long run. lets compare all this to a rousing drug addiction to cure my ails. AHHHH if only i could make more sculpture and cure more pain I wouldnt be acting out. I would be listening to that same strokes album and creating something disturbingly hilarious. SHIT!
anyways this will be good for the book. this is the part where i become the loveable badguy. im headed for great change. in 2 years or less I dont think anyone will know me anymore. cue: Blur- on my own.

p.s. I need to write me some rules to follow. next post

on a scale of 1 to 10

Well so this is it. I am alive and well. NY is some odd days away. I cannot wait to go back and keep moving forward. I dunno being here always puts things in perspective. SUPER BETTER FOR MY SOUL> i never would come back here. i feel bad saying that but this place is fucked up and it messes with my head. So many good people and bad things. I wanna go where nobody knows my name. HAHA wtf. anyways .movin on.on my own.

im fucking hungry

feed me asshole

deathly

What a mess.

I said while looking in the mirror. It wasn't about the heckle deckle way i looked. It was more a state of affairs. just thinking on the last few months i feel so lucky and at the same time I am longing for some stability. Geez and my fantasy life is running rampant. OMG i cant believe some of the things I have been thinking HAHA

geez well nvm those thoughts have been replaced by impending doomness of money troubles and how to start a drug cartel and not to mention countless attempts to clean my rooom have failed and left me worrying about my energy level and what it might mean if after attempting to do this for 4 days failing if something is going on with my body that i might worry about, like perhaps hypochondria. AHHHH i feel so whack lately. I want to ignore eeryone fall of the face of the earth and just be alone for a while. truly alone like that Incubus song that no one listens to anymore. thats what i mean that song is so alone because no one listens to it. Opportunity keeps knocking at my door, unless it's the chinese delivery guy i am not opening it. I am hungry and in no mood for narcissistic topics of conversation, lets talk about the weather, it snowed yesterday. I know right coldest day of the year whats next? i dont know, i eat the spring roll first or last but never in the middle.

im going to go get a coffee. I think something happened where i need one.crash and burn.