whooo

been pretty productive lately...

this new  computer is really helping my work it out!

my etsy is better. photoshop. camera. ceramics,.....,........



BRONZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

so good

got to caste some bronze

it is going to be a wonderful sculpture!

Saturday

Tomorrow is the bronze  pour.

I will be secretly casting a piece

i am totally stoked.

YAY

so much to do.

lately i feel so WOOOOOOOOO

anyways. see you at the pour?

:)

Letter to an addict (thought i would write this down before throwing away the crumpled paper on my floor.) written summer 2012

Also, the thing is

          If you get all cokey again.

I have to move and start over AGAIN.
                                     
                                         this would suck forever, forever is always and all my friends would be like. BLAH BLAH. Lecture. Don't take risks, you're stupid. DUH

This = "too big to fail"

But also. I would be disappointed for like a year. Cuz i would have a ton of weird sadness n stuff.

                       Also you would never every see me again.
                                     I would have to like be someone else and not wear my swimsuit all day and eat all candy. :(

Thunder clouds would form above my heard and lighting would crash into my soul. Hatred for humanity would fill my heart and spew on the innocent.

God would deem me Satan and I would ruin his creations

My presence would wilt all flowers.
     your nose will fall off
           it is bad for your heart
               your life
                 your soul
            ..................lastly, leastly
        your business

also
    bad for your monkey business

I could lecture you all day, SEE?

it makes me worry, I care
dont die

DONT DIE SLOW SAD ADDICT DEATH. DONT O.D.

DO LIVE, LOVE,  TRY, PLEASE!

please. please. pleasey. sadz. pleasey, thanksies

~beca


..........totally ended up moving.

Check Out my Etsy!

http://www.etsy.com/shop/POPbomb

 http://www.etsy.com/shop/POPbomb

Excerpt from Summer 2010: Robot Emotions

found this thought it was interesting, something i wrote 2 years ago:

Robot Emotions

Love wasnt enough in this situation, but I hold hope for future affairs to bear loyal, committed and productive results.

I annoy my friends because I couldnt get over my break-up fast enough.

Sympathy=Temporary

nobody likes that broken hearted girl.

I lost a wind

I won in the end.

For now I am a fraction of myself. I am one with that fraction.

Burt Bacharach sing to me baby. I was happy today and ate more. Maybe my pants will fit soon.

Drug talk

I really get annoyed when all someone will talk about is their drug use.

I get it you tried whatever and had an experience that was like whatever but does it have to be the subject of every single conversation that you have? SEriously is that all that you live for?

your every day?

I refuse to believe

there has to be better things.

this generation this culture is so fucked sometimes.

I am so dissappointed to see peoples lives rules by substances. wake up pill, fell okay pill, feel good pill, relax another pill, sleep another pill, toke, a sniff, a clip, a dip. STOP

JUST FUCKING STOP

Erlenmeyer Flask

To miss someone you barely know

 a stern confusion

to know but not know why

 I just cant see how it all makes sense

I just wish you felt the same

then this would make some semblance of reason

because I feel so strongly

because it was so nice to be in your presence

it felt so natural in the most amazing of ways

like the flavor of strawberry Milk Candy from china town

something I wish I had known always of which I quickly became accustomed to

thats you, to me.

I DID IT

I didnt do anything today, I almost did a lot. I did a lot yesterday but today i couldnt be bothered, i wonder what this says about me and everything

AM I OKAY?

I feel fine

way cool........

maybe i just needed a day off

to think or not think to just exist.

MOving

to bushwickk.

hoodrat chick...  I have no idea what will happen in this future. all i know is that i have a love. my sculpture and it guides me in a way that nothing else has before. it makes me brave and ambitious. as much of a mess as I tend to be it is the only stability I have had in my life. I am so greatful to have found a passion. NoW to find my way out of this situation. out of the thoughts. to stop remembering everyday what happened the last time i went back. the guilt. the hospital bed, her horrified eyes, it had been 2 years. to see her in such a state. to cry. to be horrified. horrified by the addict, how it had overcome her. worse off than before she still wanted more. People dying for these things these escapes from their lives. I ask her with my eyes. is it really so painful that you cannot go through this existence this world. the death the destruction can you not find freedom from these?  what about the birds singing? the feeling of the sculpture? the love of your child? the laughter of friends? How many of you have to die? you want freedom from yourself but you enslave those around you in pain. I have yet to know where these thoughts will lead me. May the tears never flood all at once. just these slow trickles of emotion, thought and understanding. an amount that I can handle, until someday I understand, oh to feel so alone in a world so full, how the soul must ache. May your second chance suit you well. May your loneliness subside and grant you with understanding of yourself. May all of your ducks line up in a row and fly in a flock to a more tropical paradise. May you see that there is more to life than running away from yourself. If only you could feel my hope for you. MAYBE SOMEHOW YOU CAN.

I got into a Residency!

Im doing i residency.

wish me luck im so excited. I NEEDED THIS SO BADLY

honestly (something i wrote a while ago....i like it though, almost uh poetry)

Honesty.

simple concept.

. disappointed.                                                                                              . fuck you
                                                         

upcoming events

Made some dope jewels...pictures soon. i got to finish

right now there is a film being shot at my apartment. not the first time, i know weird. cool. but well interrupting.

Tomorrow i go up to Purchase it TA for Phil's stone carving class. it will be nice to be there again in a different way. it will be nice to kind of see it from a different perspective. and to be quite honest well, i cant wait to re-up on my favorite Tuna sandwich, dont judge i cant hep it. the mercury went to my brain. DRIZZY.


i guess I will make an etsy for the jewls instead of another blog... i have like a million of these blogs already. this is the most updated one because I love to write.

also i think i spelled jewels wrong up above. NOT GONNA FIX IT MY BLOG YOU CANT TELL ME WHAT TO DO. CUZ NOBODY READS THIS> ADMIT IT>

BLOGGER STATS TELL ME THOUGH> YOU GUYS< WHOEVER YOU ARE< I KNOW YOU READ THIS> YOU THINK IM CRAZYalso who the fuck in the Ukraine is reading this? why? did you like it? why not?


work was work work work cake cake cake cake.........ahhh too much hip hop. misogynistic music gets my grind going it's fucking weird. i get all like internally conflicted when I hear " fuck 2 bad bitches at the same damn time." but the beat is so hoppin' i cant help im like yeah im gonna fuck 2 bad bitches too. what suck it hoe OH OH OH YEAHHHHHH. then like people see me dance and i blush and laugh and well. it's just weird. its a thinga Rebeca thing. but i did grow up with hip hop. so i love it. i understand it and sometimes i feel it is social commentary which reflects the attitudes of our culture and the backlash of this market driven society on people which become commodity driven to a point where everything and everyone is an object that they can use and discard.......so i listen and think yep thats what teenagers in georgia are learning and thinking. or this is what the kids i teach in the lower east side are taking in every day. this is how they think and this is why they have $200.00 jordans and cant do long division. and it all makes sense and it is all good music, it sounds good and the rappers the things they sing about seem good to them. it is all still pretty complicated to me. it is not a light subject. i hate it though when people go straight to the hate angle just cuz they hate violence n shit. fuck that, it's music, it reflects the world and our society. learn.

now JAZZ on the other hand SUCKS. ok ok fine i like the ella, and the etta, and that guy ....i like jazz with words and fast paces. ton of trumpets ALLL DAY. but a sax solo and a bass player make me want to tear my eyes out with a serrated knife. you stick me, and slow jazz in a room and someones gonna die. it's like those kids that play violent video games and stab people that's what would happen to me. .

ok i think i umm wrote enough gibberish for one night. YOU DON'T READ THIS STOP LYING>

thanks,

~beca

Cognitive Dissonance

is a bitch

Okay SO

relate to this so hard right now,
applied to a million jobs
a residency
moving
selling jewelry
working hard


WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE? err day all day on my grind.

THIS KID

thinking

long horrible immutable thoughts

well horrible is an exaggeration, in fact a horrible exaggeration. HAHA

this fall brings great change in my life. but i feel as if lately I am changing a lot. It can be a little bit awful because of the effort I am having to put forth. I have been stressin like crazy. Change job, change living, change life. Still have good attitude through tribulation. I will not lie, lately I have been getting the worst of myself. Still though I am able to stay focused. through it all I know that all I can do is my best.


I dont know I just have a lot racing through my head. NY NY NY NY STAY STAY STAY GOOOO

opportunity apply apply. write feverish writing so much that I am spewing every singe ounce of myself in written word as if it is my job ,,,, for jobs for life for me sharing so much . ... too much. through it all. well I dont know what I have learned.

something is teetering in my mind about this experience. no existential crisis just maybe I am learning about people and imperfections and how deep seeded it all can be how much back story history and all of those sorts of things life can have and things if left unchecked can get the best of people sometimes. The difference between open minded understanding and dealing with bullshit is more clear to me. but it is such a gray/grey? area. I mean everything reaches its tipping point. I have come to mine.... PS... the book the tipping point although semi interesting.......not written well enough. do not buy, check it out of the library not valid for collecting.

which reminds me sorry about my last melo-dramatic post about a boy. I forgive said the no one that reads this. THATS RIGHT I KNOW NOBODY READS THIS.

but talking to myself out loud or in my head is less fluid by far.

today I was listening, eavesdropping, on someones diatribe about how everyone helping them is a distraction. it is food for thought. How can someone be so ungrateful and yet idiotic and stupid and selfish. I have no other words for this, I will marinate on the subject and think about something more viscous to say on the matter. it was an odd surprise to hear. also i guess you never know who is listening.

HAHAH I am... SUP.

ok later....sorry I am a messy child right now.

need mad hugs from my own soul. P.S. I love you is a good movie.

I like romance. cheesey ooy gooy lovey dovey stuff. I am a cornball. now im just rambling on.

letter i will never send

hey sex god, well i guess youre not visiting? SUCKKKKK! why? was I too intense....YES always, forever intense....but whatever im just a big mess right now, who cares anywhoo come by kiss me and just get over it.  No i dont care how you feel. kinda very curious about that actually.  but hey, you gotta tell me why your all gone now. cuz obviously im needy and I need a reason. and if you dont have one make one up.just kidding. be nice though please. nice is good. I understand I cant always get what  I want but  i just want to let you know that since you stopped talking to me you have gained weight and it looks awful on you. like really bad it all went to your feet and you look like a clown, jesse told me in a facebook message. that is the real reason I am messaging you your feet are huge and everyones worried about you falling down.

ok I feel really good about everything I wrote and im gonna like leave this message open for 20  minutes come back to it and probably not send it maybe.....? maybe you will see
also.....from the journal of kurt cobain

~ the everpresent BECA

A correspondence

he is broken hard xxx core. is that wrong? i bet it may be impossible he is 34.  i used to want to fix my mom/ gave up. ----------------has promis when i yell he listens. IGNORe FeELINGS enjoy snow fat. I will got get ice crream with rachel soon. I need a therapist when I get back to mull over why I am dumb and live with problems that arent mine and try to fix people and end up more broken. or maybe just become a born again christian and when i lose stuff blame God's will and accept that somehow someone is caring even though the world is tumbling down.


" the field cannot be seen well within the field "

BECA as much as you wish you can't fix people.

We're only self repairable 

I really like the addition to my nickname 

Maybe I'll get that tattooed on my ass 

Ha 

I kinda want a dumb tattoo

it's weird this clarity this feeling. I made some nice art at snow farm. i think that helped. I feel like i am more mature. I miss you. I will live somewhere new soon. i've decided to leave on  nice note still be friends. that how i role positivity.
and he bugged out and told me that I was lazy, stupid and that it wasn't his fault i cant make art. it was pretty nasty then I realized I couldn't be around someone who was so unstable and capable of saying mean things like that to me and never apologizing. it more complicated than that

 I mean also I thought of his relation to my mother and how maybe I am doing this cycle of living with unstable people over and over again and  I see it now. I was attracted because I thought I could help myself and him i thought I could help him get better just like I had tried to do throughout my childhood with my mother. I wanted to save him like i could never save her. But that is not my job, it is not my place and I never learned how to take care of myself. I want to learn how to take care of myself I want to be a real person who knows what i need and is willing to be okay with not trying to save everyone who is falling apart around me. I wanted so bad to solve peoples problem because I wish that everyone with great potential and beauty can love themselves and be happy. But they all cant.
i dont know craig. im not lost in myself right now. the pain of my mother doesnt cut deep for the first time in A long while. im so greatfull that I can see. I hope this doesnt sound crazy I just need to make because I have so much to say. The world can be painful so bad and yet I have gotten through so much and I am still okay and I dont know man. I have something. I feel like I have something to give with my work and my life and I cant wait to start again. I am not scared and alone like when i moved here. I am thankful for this place for being a perfect cocktail for self realization for discovery. I love you craig dude youve been a good friend and I dunno man youve been there for me and I appreciate that. I want to make more sculpture because I love it. it feeds my soul. but also i dont need to be around broken people anymore. It's not my fault I finally see that I could never have fixed my mother. for the first time i am not guilty, it's not my fault.

with love,
BECA

Humor Train

Humor Train

thinking about

fixing the typos in my last post.

he keeps telling me im crazy.

they all say that. right before I kill them.

does anybody read this????

redefine the impossible.

thats what is written on my bracelet.

I had stop wearing it when some dude was telling our class abot how how he didnt understand jewelry and saw it as meaningless decoration. Then i realized i didnt have to listen to everyone so much and maybe i shoudl just go on and do what I feel like. it's really odd though whne someone you look up to gives you bad advice.  I hope to never plant bad seeds or a least to plant mroe good than bad.


i must go seize. conquer. Non ridere, non lugere, neque detestari, sed intelligere!

Notes on Camus

Okay so I know I'm on a serious literati binge. I just bought the Notebooks on Albert Camus and I find them to be surprisingly fresh. Meaning that I find them super insightful and well I will just...........


START.

"He gives no details about the different jobs he took to earn a living, or about his other personal and emotional difficulties, but the honesty with which he mentions his horror of work and the frequency with which he returns to the problem of loneliness do invite us to make a number of guesses about the kind of person he was:"

Just the whole sentence. I mean work, where do I begin, it really tears at me to have to wake up and do something I do not love. Although, I do appreciate the perspective which I have opportunity to gain through experience about the importance of doing what one loves if only for the preservation of the soul.

On loneliness: I may find the most loneliness in the interstitial. In the longing for something else when the present wont do. Within myself when the outside cannot distract. Outside when the superficial attacks conversation. It is found everywhere. In the same essence solace can be found everywhere both things can be healthy and unhealthy. I find the most fruitful thought when I am by myself. but in those instances I don't feel alone, my mind is alive and fervent building the world around us and making sense of the colors that we cant even see.

I enjoyed this: "Life is short and it is a sin to waste one's time. I waste my time all day long while other people say I do a great deal"                            

To never feel finished. Seems to just be a state of existence.

" I ask of people more than they can give me. It is useless to maintain the contrary. But what a mistake and what despair. And myself perhaps....."

This one, the most throbbing of all.

" You go to see an older friend to tell him everything. Or, at least, something which is stifling you. But he is in a hurry. You talk about everything and about nothing at all. The time to speak has gone. And here I am, more alone and empty than before. How a careless word from a friend escaping my presence will lay waste this feeble wisdom that I am trying to construct! 'Non ridere, no lugere (from Nietzsche: The meaning of knowing.— Non ridere, non lugere, neque detestari, sed intelligere! [Not to laugh, not to lament, nor to detest but to understand.]) .... and doubts about myself and about other people."


I guess I could relate to that. I always seem to lean towards the deeper conversation. I dont always meet up with equal fascination about the meaning of this and that. Right versus wrong. and of course my guilt ridden youth has gutted some conversation of mine for a while. So i relate to not being able to relate. not always but that paragraph did strike me. I felt it, before, those feelings, that longing, the need. Sometimes one must look within.

Camus also loves talking about the weather. Which I love too. Small talk to some but it's everywhere. The weather. Everyone sees it and knows it, and thats amazing. Wow ignore my weather lust.


Last for now. Camus writes in March 1936

"my joy is endless"

Just thought to end on a nice note. hope you EnJOYed <3

-beca

p.s. Does anybody read this?

ALways Been Good at

Always been good at knowing what I don't want.
but happenstance
came upon something I did want
that may or may not belong to someone else
Problem? not really. I am not the type to cross those lines.

actually just curious about the implications that there's "something" that I know I want
no more maybe melancholy, uh I dunno, let me think about it. I just know. thats cool! thats super cool and it's not weird and not nervous it just is and that's weird. Well maybe for now I don't get what I want and for some reason I'm not at odds and ends about it, because it feels right to want that and have to wait. not sure. this is vague. im a silly idiot. please dont read

kiln is getting worked on today. this process takes a long longer than I prefer to even consider as a time frame. What I mean is this has taken fucking forever and that's a long time!!

hopefully, I will get a clear idea of how much of a dunce I am at wiring and exponentially improve my skills.

Does anyone read this? I hope not look at that awful picture. I should be ashamed to post it. all broken and stuff so sad like a puppy with a broken leg in a puddle. my imaginations is so morbid and cute.

anywho Im off to the other blog. SEE YA SOON!

Travelling

I have decided to travel more. HOW?
work all over the world perhaps....gotta get out and meet every fucking body. plus i've some interesting people that I would love to see again.

thinking always with the thinking..........STOP !
haha
well anywhoo was just watching some Dexter sinister word art and boy do I love it when people use the word entropy I swear it gets me every time. one of my favorite subjects, ordered chaos anyone?  thats what I fell like I am, ORDERED CHAOS!

well it is time to go to bed again and I am alive with thought, working on these jewelry projects and decided to incorporate wood and plastic with some glass things I have been fiddling with. on the verge of some phenomenally  beautiful designs. Consider the juxtapositions of wood and glass. hard and the soft working together like some well rounded yin yang of jewelry. mouth watering, i know.
at some point going to incorporate metallics........ just force of habit it's in my nature. MMM Shiny fire objects. it's a wonder why I hate glitter so much.

STUFFING

Mad love for Minaj's - Right by my side. LOL. not sure i like it but that shit is catchy.

catchy like crabs gotta scratch that itch.

Went the the International Contemporary Furniture Fair today. HELLA AWESOME. Let me just say WOW! and the javits center what a huge fucking space. I have to say i love the 3-d printed jewelry that attaches piece by piece to create any type pf structure that one might want. I'm not a big furniture buff but Virginia Tech was creating some wonderfully clever window screenings out of spring steel that would make some of the most wonderful blinds anyone has ever seen. I hope it catches on, those students were so on the money.

i never forgot about dre

well it is late and time to rest. i want to stay up lately though I want to use all my time ALL THE TIME> ALL OF IT IS valuable and fleeting.

mothers day is over. odd emotions struck today i called my mo, twice to make sure she knew she was loved.

trying not to sweat the small stuff just let it work out and get shit done.

I went to the frieze art fair and it was amazing. I went to chelsea last thursday and it was odd some young women mean mugged me and then I realized that next time I go i should wear sunglasses so people cant see me.

CHanges are to come soon. pictures and changes. :)

life is so interesting around here. I'm meeting some amazing people and gaining new perspectives on the challenges and happening s of being a human being.

one thing is for sure it is not easy for me and that's okay. I have faith i will figure it out because like some sort of mad scientist it is all I can thing about. HOW TO? WHEN ? whats best? well i will relax in my thoughts now and go to bed wake up work and come to my conclusions on the subway

Drive.

SO someone should drive me to the scrapyard in exchange for......... something cool?

ahh i dont know, gas and uh something cool.

I will make a to do list.
1.troubleshoot welder.
2. Call Jomar
3. make price list.
4. clean room again.
5. finally check work e-mail.
6. clean up supply closet.
7. take pictures
8. Publish and use Visual resume.

write actual blog entry?
buy candy
eat candy
SLEEP

Failure for the Future. positivism? a must today. HAHA

UH SO I BROKE MY KILN..

it kind of exploded and
all of this wonderfully black smoke was spewing out of the control box last Wednesday night.

Needless to say I was wonderfully sad about all of this, but well I am going to learn how to fix many many kiln problems. Many more that is, o gee I am running out of patience with patience.

who knows maybe I will only have to replace the burned out wires. MAYBE I WILL CRY? doubtful however anything could happen. ANYTHING. what a world..... dot dot dot dot
"
anywhoowhatsit

thats right it's a useless transitional word and I don't care. I LIKE USELESS TRANSITIONS. they give me time to think more before I speak or time to not put my foot in my mouth, as much.

also felt....I got my hands on a whole bunch of felt and I HAVE BEEN MAKING STUFF> the non functional kind of stuff. you know what I mean, I dont have to say it, okay okay okay okay I will say it, stop pressuring me I dont like pressure. Who am I kidding.

MOREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

anywhoo HAHA

I have been making sculpture. SHHH dont tell anyone. You have no right. im not gonna show anyone yet. it's a secret like something great that you want no one else to have.

yesterday I was told some odd yet nice things, my neighbor has this pianter from Peru staying with us and he told me I was like an orchid that hadnt bloomed yet which was semi nice. but you know the i'm like a seed in dirt part was annoying. i mean well whatever. haha it was semi nice.
whoziewatsit.

THE INCESANT DANGLE

What is the point at which one stop verging on the edge and makes that big leap.

Where does all the work go?

HOW DID I GET HERE??????????????????????

seriously though, i feel like a busy stagnant fuck. obviously something has to change or I could end up here in this eternal loophole forever. AHHH

Since when do I have time never, energy at this point is store bought and why on earth did I eat so much today and I am still not full. I know what you're thinking...... MAD PREGNANT. I'm just gonna throw this out there, THAT is impossible. Frankly, anything is possible, anything but that at least.
I need to make More lists and work more harder (BAD GRAMMAR)..............

Also I need to well stop complaining so much> WHY DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF>

maybe it's the sudden lack of stability that has got me all in a fuss. I more so like going from one rock to a bigger more stable one and well I thought thats what I was doing because that's what I was told, but now im not so sure.
It is okay to not be sure but well in another way there is some discomfort in not knowing what is going to happen next. I find myself treading lighlty when I should be making strides.

I am too much of the nervous type i need to grow a metaphor, the metaphor that I need to grow is balls. But i am sorta ballsy. Oh my, hell on fire, razor blades in my mout,h blood in my heart pulsating with maddness, what is a 'poor girl' to do?

FIGURE THINGS OUT BECA YOU DONT HAVE ALL DAY!

I wonder if anyone ever reads this, and if anyone ever gets enjoyment out os all of the questions I ask myself everyday. i'm too vague I am sure things get boring once the vagueness sets in.

There is so much to do I just really hope I am spending my time THAT I WILL NOT GET BACK on the right things. I need to always make sure everyday that I am spending my time wisely. there is no excuse for wasting the limited time I have.

blah blah blah bye