So new

WELL I am here in this cool place.........
I should take many pictures. Thats what I say about everything. It is true though, I should thoroughly record my happenings more especially since my memory can only be described as vague at best. I have a knack for strange facts though. Well anywho this place could be a fantastical blast. But truly only time will tell . Not sure what to quite make of it yet. I have some Independence is solitude that I have been longing for. It is weird though that this place has more people around than I have been around at once in a while but everyone kind of leaves well enough alone. It is some sort of mental peace i am gaining form this experience but as I stated before only time will tell. (corny and redundant.) next week I am off to teach some welding mess. Please let luck be on my side. Not scared of the teach but well, rather, the state of things that are out of my hand like my other jobby.

Well I guess i have nothing more eloquent to say at this point in time. It has been a rather slow start here. Which is suprising considering when I visited it was action packed. Maybe it's the weekendness of it. I suspect though that some happenings have made the social gethering somewhat amiss and mostly avoided this place is pretty vacant. It is somewhat startling since about 8 or 9 people live here. I am very glad though to not be involved in any social drama. For once in my short nosy life I have managed to avoid that.

i complained about your complaining. I was redundant. you were abnoxious. no one won.

Well. what am i supposed say?
the difference between what I think i might do, and what I actually do is vast. Is it that way for everyone?
I ignored someone. then i did it again to someone else. the thing is i wanted to do the exact opposite but my mind wouldn't let me. all the sudden, i felt as if my soul was crumbling into pieces and i got this urge to run as far away from these people as possible. the awful thing is I would have loved to stay. well the world works in mysterious ways. Somehow, it is probably some ridiculous fight or flight response where my nervousness turned into fear. I guess i have to make sense of things somehow.

people often get a surprise when I use the word shy to refer to myself, but it only occurs in certain instances. I need not detail which. but I hate the idea of being seen as rude when it is really some sort of odd social anxiety. it's kind of heartbreaking. I always talk to the shy kids because I know how that can be. it's like wanting what you can have and still not being able to get it. an involuntary self inflicted diet.

why though? I love the world so much. but even i cant give everything i want to. I'm sure my last recourse into love flayed my heart so badly that what is left is a piece so small that it can only love so much without getting exhausted. or maybe i am dead inside. I have lost all ability to love. it wont be long before I start killing. i will start small. I will kill it on the dance floor and slowly move up to the stage.

viva con queso

I feel super cool and victorious lately. i dunno i have a really cool opportunity that I could have. FUNNY THING> i feel like i already have it and my hopes and dreams are so up up and up. I've been working so hard.
life is so insane but I can take it all in so much better now.
SUICIDE DRUGS DRUNk SMASH SMASH BANG FUCk FUCk...........this has been the last two weeks of what I have whitnessed in my surrounding life. and some point I start to look around and say well this all really isnt my problem. People can be ridiculously stupid though.

at the same time I have seen some serious beauty. ART>>>>>>>>not so much. well i just need to go to the met soon. to be honest i've been longing for it. Daffodils Holy God in heaven I love daffodils. Dogs I LOVE DOGS. and at passover I got to pet one like I was gonna love it forever because I took an allergy pill. Also someone helped me see a light within myself. I hadnt realized was there because people told me certain things that were very mean and that had kind of just stayed with me for a while. SOmeone told me I wasnt very generous or giving. this really took a chunk right out of my sense of self. SOmeone just made me realized that I am pretty giving and considerate. But I realized that my giving has nothing to do with objects or materials. I give of myself.

it's just funny how i never saw that.

excuse the existential self revealing feeling fun happy go lucky nice shit.
I love it!
and I love corny and cheesy and just all around silly shit.

okay SO allergies........not so much.

yeah uh. i have a full on sickness. how?
well i dont know. i thought it was allergies. God Fuck. and also. why dont I have friends who understandddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
ok i mean. they do but like GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
fuck face. why am I so different and at odds and ends and the world is spinning. WTF is this axis shit about. why cant you spin the regular way? crooked, the world spinning all out of whack and YOU WANT ME TO DO YOGA? i dont fucking think so. next im gonna get a book about it and a mat. and have conversations about how zen I am. Fuck that. I dont want to be zen.
I hate relaxing!
I hate relaxing!
I hate relaxing!
I hate relaxing!
I hate relaxing!
I hate relaxing!
I hate relaxing!
I hate relaxing!

I AM MAD! damn it. and i dont want to talk about it to anyone. well except one person WHO ISNT HERE. and it's not my mom so SHUT UP! im not gonna be nice anymore. im gonna chain smoke and chain drink and chain sex. and you know why? YOGA. and it's not really yoga but that is a metaphor for the reason I am acting out. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i've decided to be mad. i've decided to be mad. I wish i could change my mind.
i wish i could change my mind.
ok over it

fuck

allergies.

im gonna go buy pills. nice subtle antihistamines. maybe i will go old school with some bennies or new school with zyrzies or claries. hotness i feel my sickness melting away already and my sould is breathing a sigh of relief as I pass out in exhaustion. sleep you allergic baby. WHY DO YOU TAUNT ME WITH NO CHOICES. and to the doctor who told me i should change my lifestyle. NEVER. I will never stop not for me and not for you. DAMN IT.

although im pretty sure he thought i was a drug addict. infuriating.

ON A MORE POSITIVE NOTE. middle C?
I uh. i UH I UH HAVE A HOME> I am with home. i live in the bushwick. thats right williamsburgs younger fatter cousin. but hey, willie and I still hang sometimes. you know when it dark outside and he has been drinking. and the free wifi at startbucks has gone to my head because i forgot to hit up the dollar store to get modelling clay.
tomorrow at noon.
I have a job you whore.
NEVER WILL I GIVE UP MY FREEDOM.
GET OUT OF MY BED.
you were not invited. although for a small fee you can contribute to my freedom. and people please listen..................contribution..............contribute...........contraband........contraception.

if you listened to all of that. you must have been reading out loud.

i dont understand the consensus woe

longing for more and still satisfied. That is the place I like to be in life. others however whine and complain, i have started to fake wince. Feigning pity. why do people want so much to be pitied?

today at work someone was in a bad mood. I thought it was funny. Being in a bad mood over stupid rude people. I don't know not really worth my time. but people have bad days.

everyone at work was having one. I was happy but i felt odd being that I was perpetually letting the busy time roll of my back. I guess i couldn't help my natural tendency to realize that my life could be so much harder. maybe their lives used to be easier?

but everyones different/ i can handle a lot i guess.

except when it comes to my heart. i wear that shit "on my sleeve"
that shit smarts. yesterday I thought i was dying when i cute boy said hello to me. i realized later i was just blushing super hardcore and that had never happened to me before. My face felt hot and my ears too. i guess i couldnt see my face so i didnt realize until i googled it later. a hot face means a red face and blah blah blah a full on face woodie. JESUS i cant handle myself. in time and with a lot of sedatives i can cotrol the severity of my reactions.

it is good to be intense though. it is just a tough road to travel.I love people but they affect me to the core of my being. today at work someone brought me and apple it was nice. I felt like the mix of a teacher and someone awesome.

People scare me. People excite me. work was slightly dramatic i pulled through and gained my mood. my sarcasm. I tried to spar with somoene but in hindsight i might have offended someone without saying anything true or offensive. Im not sure if thats a super power or if someone is just overlly sensitive. To be my friend they should have to get used to it as i mean no harm. In fact it is all in affection. I have the showy type of love with the flowers and guns.

as for my love life I have been trying to extinguish it after speaking with rob friday I realize I have been going about things all wrong. Not from anything he said I just somehow had a feeling that I needed to end everything I have going and start fresh with a clean slate. I want nothing so I can see clearly, see everything. Not sure that makes sense but I see it clearly. you know, now that the rain is gone? get it? get it? come on? thats sorta funny!

okay I reread that and its not funny. I dont know it is hard having a voice in writting. I just try to write the way I am thinking it. lots of run ons and fragments but damn I can hear myself.

My life is getting itself together. i wish i had time tomorrow to think but i work until exhaustion. tuesday though i get to feel my life hug my soul. I get to work only half a day. and for now that is my weekend. it hugs my soul, the blanket that is and I look at the clock it is 11 a.m. i make coffee. send an e-mail. watch will and grace, run a ferrand (a fun errand) Do my hair. remember to charge everything. this is tuesday. DEAR GOD I LOVE TUESDAY.

scultura manifesto part 1

DRAMATIZATION OF MY BRAIN:
i NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED YOU!

I BLEED YOU
WHY WONT YOU FEED ME
sculpture oh sculpture. why oh why wont you shelter me in your walls and cook my dinner and pay off my students loans. you flaccid whore. i miss your late night touches and the cuts you gave me when i wasnt looking. i watched your fire make my creations and for all this love you leave me so quickly, so sickly. with no course to tread my energies about with, I take this stand and vow to work my hardest to get you back. I fear the time i waste without you will take a toll on my soul. also im sorry i called you a whore, i pushed you away, btu you didnt have to make all my friends fall in love with you and hang out with them while i wasnt around. fine fine, you're right, i'm sorry, i don't own you, BUT SOMEDAY I WILL! DUN DUN DUN
p.s. im really sorry if you read this.