Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
"You need a little less than what you take for granted"
SO MUCH!
Life persists to be annoying and complicated. My life always will be I have to get used to it so I can later call it interesting. Actually I love quite a lot but last week was action packed I did one of the three things it takes to be a true new yorker, now all i have to do is kill a roach with my bear hands and steal a cab from someone that needs it more than i do.
The "job market" <--- as informed by my putting it in quotes, is non-existent. I will still well apply my ass off. although last time I got called for interviews it was 2 months after I had applied and I got three calls. Thats a fucking long time and anyone that knows me well knows I am not the patient type. time to re-strategize....
in fact my rules as follows includes the above mentioned:
1. No waiting
2. No sharing of things that I can barely afford for myself
3. When I say "no" I mean it so dont ask me again or I reserve the right to BE AN ASSHOLE!
Lets just say that these rules dont apply to close friends... most times the "no" rule is pretty much for everyone. only because I say no only when i truly mean it.
I just looked at the available jobs to apply to and found myself in a well snake pit of things I dont want to do.
If I am already doing things I sorta like why the fuck should settle.... I shall not,.
emphasis on 'sorta' in sorta like.
haha omg i used sorta instead of sort of, i am already starting to figure out why the job market is shallow for me. I am a picky illiterate "sunavabitch"
well I am boring myself arent I?
YES!
POST OVER>>>>>>>>>> JUST UH HAD TO
UPDATE : status quo
OUTDATE: my fashion
DEbATE: my life
ReBATE: what verizon didn't send me
DUE DATE: soon.
ESCALATE: the situation!
Life persists to be annoying and complicated. My life always will be I have to get used to it so I can later call it interesting. Actually I love quite a lot but last week was action packed I did one of the three things it takes to be a true new yorker, now all i have to do is kill a roach with my bear hands and steal a cab from someone that needs it more than i do.
The "job market" <--- as informed by my putting it in quotes, is non-existent. I will still well apply my ass off. although last time I got called for interviews it was 2 months after I had applied and I got three calls. Thats a fucking long time and anyone that knows me well knows I am not the patient type. time to re-strategize....
in fact my rules as follows includes the above mentioned:
1. No waiting
2. No sharing of things that I can barely afford for myself
3. When I say "no" I mean it so dont ask me again or I reserve the right to BE AN ASSHOLE!
Lets just say that these rules dont apply to close friends... most times the "no" rule is pretty much for everyone. only because I say no only when i truly mean it.
I just looked at the available jobs to apply to and found myself in a well snake pit of things I dont want to do.
If I am already doing things I sorta like why the fuck should settle.... I shall not,.
emphasis on 'sorta' in sorta like.
haha omg i used sorta instead of sort of, i am already starting to figure out why the job market is shallow for me. I am a picky illiterate "sunavabitch"
well I am boring myself arent I?
YES!
POST OVER>>>>>>>>>> JUST UH HAD TO
UPDATE : status quo
OUTDATE: my fashion
DEbATE: my life
ReBATE: what verizon didn't send me
DUE DATE: soon.
ESCALATE: the situation!
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Soul Fucker
Oh hey blog filled with me talking to myself about my things that arent actual objects.
Get it together beca......fine okay I will.
eyes adjust........
I was recently wondering very vigorously about a question I will never ask. these things in life that eat at you so hard may not ever be questions that are solved. maybe that is why they sink themselves so deeply in the thoughts because they are ever present questions. the only things that can answer my questions are time. The mind thinks it knows the answer but also time is just important. I takes time for real things to happen, substantive things. it always happens that these questions are only ever solved in one moment but it takes time to get to that moment. consider the work and the living that leads up to all these wonderful moments. all the experiences good and bad had to have happened.
What am i even getting at? Am I being to vague? I don't hold myself accountable to these questions. they just exist within me and i have no control. the control is in the censoring. the lack of advertising my true questions in the questioning of questions.
Have you ever watched someone destroy themselves?
it is pretty interesting. I have seen so many form of this and even within myself. I feel that everyone has a bit of it, some are worse of than others and others are so complex with it. one of the more interesting self destruction techniques involves many types of self sabotage spiritual, mental, emotional, physical and always unaware. Understanding why people do those things to themselves is such a puzzle sometimes. I know a guy who is just always trying to fiercly prove to himself he is a man, i wonder if he grew up without a father, or with a demeaning father, or with no father and a mother who hated men. BLAME THE PARENTS? perhaps it is not even their fault, the school system, the chips on your should put on their by little timmy in 5th grade, ashley noticed my nose when i was 15 and her comment about blackheads causes me to always pick at them and scar my nose..of that I have been fully aware. it is the things i am unaware of that i find perplexing and what i have seen from people who are unaware of their own weaknesses and constantly taking advantage of themselves. people need people to protect them from themselves. who is going to save you from yourself if your parents couldn't do it? but this is just a thought gone to far.... a question............made up answers.........self directed existence.
Here is a definition form the devils dictionary that i liked.....found funny
Advice: The smallest current coin.
Example:
Tim: The man was in such deep distress said tom that i could do no less than give him good advice
jim: if less could have been done for him, i know you well enough my son to know that's what you would have done.
baddabing thats funny. what a mean dad. see now that kid probably always grew up thinking everything he did wasnt good enough.
his dad was right though and that kid grew up inside each and every one of us. little bigfat americans wokring our hands to the nub and working our nubs to nothing. thank God for Coca Cola which refreshes me after a long day of work and replenishes my fat that I will one dayuse to enhances my sagged ragged face when i get older. and the retirement money from social security that I will use for collagen and breast implants at age 64. AMERICAAAAAA<3. seriously though..
Soul fucker is a great title.
Children are the future, not now.
Get it together beca......fine okay I will.
eyes adjust........
I was recently wondering very vigorously about a question I will never ask. these things in life that eat at you so hard may not ever be questions that are solved. maybe that is why they sink themselves so deeply in the thoughts because they are ever present questions. the only things that can answer my questions are time. The mind thinks it knows the answer but also time is just important. I takes time for real things to happen, substantive things. it always happens that these questions are only ever solved in one moment but it takes time to get to that moment. consider the work and the living that leads up to all these wonderful moments. all the experiences good and bad had to have happened.
What am i even getting at? Am I being to vague? I don't hold myself accountable to these questions. they just exist within me and i have no control. the control is in the censoring. the lack of advertising my true questions in the questioning of questions.
Have you ever watched someone destroy themselves?
it is pretty interesting. I have seen so many form of this and even within myself. I feel that everyone has a bit of it, some are worse of than others and others are so complex with it. one of the more interesting self destruction techniques involves many types of self sabotage spiritual, mental, emotional, physical and always unaware. Understanding why people do those things to themselves is such a puzzle sometimes. I know a guy who is just always trying to fiercly prove to himself he is a man, i wonder if he grew up without a father, or with a demeaning father, or with no father and a mother who hated men. BLAME THE PARENTS? perhaps it is not even their fault, the school system, the chips on your should put on their by little timmy in 5th grade, ashley noticed my nose when i was 15 and her comment about blackheads causes me to always pick at them and scar my nose..of that I have been fully aware. it is the things i am unaware of that i find perplexing and what i have seen from people who are unaware of their own weaknesses and constantly taking advantage of themselves. people need people to protect them from themselves. who is going to save you from yourself if your parents couldn't do it? but this is just a thought gone to far.... a question............made up answers.........self directed existence.
Here is a definition form the devils dictionary that i liked.....found funny
Advice: The smallest current coin.
Example:
Tim: The man was in such deep distress said tom that i could do no less than give him good advice
jim: if less could have been done for him, i know you well enough my son to know that's what you would have done.
baddabing thats funny. what a mean dad. see now that kid probably always grew up thinking everything he did wasnt good enough.
his dad was right though and that kid grew up inside each and every one of us. little bigfat americans wokring our hands to the nub and working our nubs to nothing. thank God for Coca Cola which refreshes me after a long day of work and replenishes my fat that I will one dayuse to enhances my sagged ragged face when i get older. and the retirement money from social security that I will use for collagen and breast implants at age 64. AMERICAAAAAA<3. seriously though..
Soul fucker is a great title.
Children are the future, not now.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
YOU KNOW I know, i know you know, you know i know you know, i know you know i know you know. just saying it's out there
DUDES omg I am completely ridiculous. my life is so interesting right now. my thoughts are very clear, i sleep so calm and settled. i am wilder than ever
like a vicious lioness.
Before these past few months things were so rocky. like hurty rocky, my life and feelings were all jumbly and messy and gross and I was so lonely even though i saw my friends all the time.
SO WHAT THE FUCK CHANGED?
a lot. everything. nothing. only the important stuff. surrounding myself with good people was a big step. I also had to debunk a little. kind of ween off some of the bad characters in life. that was super important. but aside from all of that I feel that i am moving and progressing in such a positive way. I am also kind of learning more so how to be an adult.
don't worry Im still the same jerky cocky little wiener. i got pain in the ass mastered. haha ass master. immature? whatever immature is funny.
i wish i could write more but this is the interweb and anyone can have access and as paranoid as i like to avoid being. I feel that one must always try to exercise ea reasonable amount of caution with these things.
also for some reason, well not no reason, but I got a strange feeling about a certain issue that concerns a couple of months ago. also a sensitive topic. not really for me but i have no idea who. if anyone. reads this. it's hard to also verbalize this topic it is strange. i have never encountered it and also i have no idea of the proper way to have or still handle it. it did scare me though. people are weird. they get haughty, territorial, jealous, sabatorial, competitive, and just downright ugly sometimes. but uh i have recently came into clarity about that too.
some friends had told me some fucking bull about people getting weird when their going through a hard time. but you ever notice that some folks are always going through a hard time? even if they are actually fine? just a thought. people get addicted to stress. i dont need that shit. dont want it. fuck all that mess. i get stressed too but damn let shit go. life happens once.
i also learned about too good to be true. that shit smarts. and im a sucker for a smile and a bribe of words. oh yeah this is all free take take take. then I turned around and BAM! just got fucked over. it's a damn shame how young nice people can get taken advantage of, RIGHT SALLIE MAE? bitch. haha jk i love that hoe. but seriously be careful everyone has needs and agendas and i think it's best to look for people who are straightforward. nice and timid can be a molotov cocktail for sneaky manipulative and passive aggressive. when I was 20 i learned (harshly) that not everyone has good deep down inside, but i keep trying to find that in some people anyways. i got all this hope and shit. dreams of prosper and beauty. I sleep with a sense that I am doing my best and hoping everyone else is too. but man people are so complicated. and i used to try to fix them. Change comes from within. you have to find some light within yourself and bring it out.
i really am super stoked about lots of things, funny, at the same time, i am processing my last year, understanding what I have been doing with my time. i've done a lot and it may look like a little but it's not about instant gratification. I want this shit to last im preparing myself, working hard, and learning so much about life.
like a vicious lioness.
Before these past few months things were so rocky. like hurty rocky, my life and feelings were all jumbly and messy and gross and I was so lonely even though i saw my friends all the time.
SO WHAT THE FUCK CHANGED?
a lot. everything. nothing. only the important stuff. surrounding myself with good people was a big step. I also had to debunk a little. kind of ween off some of the bad characters in life. that was super important. but aside from all of that I feel that i am moving and progressing in such a positive way. I am also kind of learning more so how to be an adult.
don't worry Im still the same jerky cocky little wiener. i got pain in the ass mastered. haha ass master. immature? whatever immature is funny.
i wish i could write more but this is the interweb and anyone can have access and as paranoid as i like to avoid being. I feel that one must always try to exercise ea reasonable amount of caution with these things.
also for some reason, well not no reason, but I got a strange feeling about a certain issue that concerns a couple of months ago. also a sensitive topic. not really for me but i have no idea who. if anyone. reads this. it's hard to also verbalize this topic it is strange. i have never encountered it and also i have no idea of the proper way to have or still handle it. it did scare me though. people are weird. they get haughty, territorial, jealous, sabatorial, competitive, and just downright ugly sometimes. but uh i have recently came into clarity about that too.
some friends had told me some fucking bull about people getting weird when their going through a hard time. but you ever notice that some folks are always going through a hard time? even if they are actually fine? just a thought. people get addicted to stress. i dont need that shit. dont want it. fuck all that mess. i get stressed too but damn let shit go. life happens once.
i also learned about too good to be true. that shit smarts. and im a sucker for a smile and a bribe of words. oh yeah this is all free take take take. then I turned around and BAM! just got fucked over. it's a damn shame how young nice people can get taken advantage of, RIGHT SALLIE MAE? bitch. haha jk i love that hoe. but seriously be careful everyone has needs and agendas and i think it's best to look for people who are straightforward. nice and timid can be a molotov cocktail for sneaky manipulative and passive aggressive. when I was 20 i learned (harshly) that not everyone has good deep down inside, but i keep trying to find that in some people anyways. i got all this hope and shit. dreams of prosper and beauty. I sleep with a sense that I am doing my best and hoping everyone else is too. but man people are so complicated. and i used to try to fix them. Change comes from within. you have to find some light within yourself and bring it out.
i really am super stoked about lots of things, funny, at the same time, i am processing my last year, understanding what I have been doing with my time. i've done a lot and it may look like a little but it's not about instant gratification. I want this shit to last im preparing myself, working hard, and learning so much about life.
Friday, September 9, 2011
im not nice
im not nice.
i have the mean gene.
sometimes i say some shit and it's like smacking myself in the face.
self control/hard
nice/weird for me
shit/too late
honestly/im not gonna apologize
pride/i've got too much
hate/hater
my bad/ you started it
funny/ how it started
oh well/ always happens
use to it/ gonna happen again/ forever
infinite/ this pattern
life/ not infinite
chances/ i will only get so many
damn/ i hate making mends
bridges/ broken.
big deal/ what i make of it
reality = small fries
i have the mean gene.
sometimes i say some shit and it's like smacking myself in the face.
self control/hard
nice/weird for me
shit/too late
honestly/im not gonna apologize
pride/i've got too much
hate/hater
my bad/ you started it
funny/ how it started
oh well/ always happens
use to it/ gonna happen again/ forever
infinite/ this pattern
life/ not infinite
chances/ i will only get so many
damn/ i hate making mends
bridges/ broken.
big deal/ what i make of it
reality = small fries
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
mad feelings yo
sometimes i just dont know..
sometimes you just cant ask yo mama.
sometimes you just gotta grow
life gets hard
lonely and cold
imma just call it growin old
sometimes you just cant ask yo mama.
sometimes you just gotta grow
life gets hard
lonely and cold
imma just call it growin old
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
ASS: good ass it gets
There was a pain
in my ass
that pain
was me
no matter how hard I tried
how long I pulled
I could not
get my head out of my ass
Therefore, my ass, has become,
my head.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
on student loans
These are all just made up stories. None of this was real. Never ever. The fantasy, You can get an education and it will cost you just as much as everyone else.
In retrospect it was all worth it.
Less the never we persist to exist.
Did it ever make sense?
Existence?
or the lack of it?
The inconsolable lack of luster
The decisions I make to get that feeling.
The feeling that I am alive
When is being honorable just torture?
Can there be honesty in mistakes?
Can I let my debt own and control my life and my reason for being?
YES, and I have.
this belittles the real question
which is
should I?
Is it sane?
When I only get one life, and one existence
Can I waste it all on dead ended meaningless work.
Push back my passion and let existence, every waking hour be filled with work that I don't love.
My soul is aching for more
can I make, with respect and honor and love for my own life
can I give that life to honor decisions and mistakes of the past?
For what?
Good credit?
Should I let my debt ruin, own, persist to control and obliterate my youth and therefore my future.
Is there any honor in that? Hard work. Hard lessons. hard won money. hard life. hard heart.
I know I'm just another whiney artist
but am I even artist if I cannot create the way I want to?
or am I dying?
A dying artist.
Like a dying star.
I will not go out without a bang. I will insist to persist and I will do it with great integrity for if I lose myself
I lose everything.
I am what is really at stake
Money is not.
Money is not a variable in this equation. It is an obstacle. My love is what is at stake.
In retrospect it was all worth it.
Less the never we persist to exist.
Did it ever make sense?
Existence?
or the lack of it?
The inconsolable lack of luster
The decisions I make to get that feeling.
The feeling that I am alive
When is being honorable just torture?
Can there be honesty in mistakes?
Can I let my debt own and control my life and my reason for being?
YES, and I have.
this belittles the real question
which is
should I?
Is it sane?
When I only get one life, and one existence
Can I waste it all on dead ended meaningless work.
Push back my passion and let existence, every waking hour be filled with work that I don't love.
My soul is aching for more
can I make, with respect and honor and love for my own life
can I give that life to honor decisions and mistakes of the past?
For what?
Good credit?
Should I let my debt ruin, own, persist to control and obliterate my youth and therefore my future.
Is there any honor in that? Hard work. Hard lessons. hard won money. hard life. hard heart.
I know I'm just another whiney artist
but am I even artist if I cannot create the way I want to?
or am I dying?
A dying artist.
Like a dying star.
I will not go out without a bang. I will insist to persist and I will do it with great integrity for if I lose myself
I lose everything.
I am what is really at stake
Money is not.
Money is not a variable in this equation. It is an obstacle. My love is what is at stake.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
So new
WELL I am here in this cool place.........
I should take many pictures. Thats what I say about everything. It is true though, I should thoroughly record my happenings more especially since my memory can only be described as vague at best. I have a knack for strange facts though. Well anywho this place could be a fantastical blast. But truly only time will tell . Not sure what to quite make of it yet. I have some Independence is solitude that I have been longing for. It is weird though that this place has more people around than I have been around at once in a while but everyone kind of leaves well enough alone. It is some sort of mental peace i am gaining form this experience but as I stated before only time will tell. (corny and redundant.) next week I am off to teach some welding mess. Please let luck be on my side. Not scared of the teach but well, rather, the state of things that are out of my hand like my other jobby.
Well I guess i have nothing more eloquent to say at this point in time. It has been a rather slow start here. Which is suprising considering when I visited it was action packed. Maybe it's the weekendness of it. I suspect though that some happenings have made the social gethering somewhat amiss and mostly avoided this place is pretty vacant. It is somewhat startling since about 8 or 9 people live here. I am very glad though to not be involved in any social drama. For once in my short nosy life I have managed to avoid that.
I should take many pictures. Thats what I say about everything. It is true though, I should thoroughly record my happenings more especially since my memory can only be described as vague at best. I have a knack for strange facts though. Well anywho this place could be a fantastical blast. But truly only time will tell . Not sure what to quite make of it yet. I have some Independence is solitude that I have been longing for. It is weird though that this place has more people around than I have been around at once in a while but everyone kind of leaves well enough alone. It is some sort of mental peace i am gaining form this experience but as I stated before only time will tell. (corny and redundant.) next week I am off to teach some welding mess. Please let luck be on my side. Not scared of the teach but well, rather, the state of things that are out of my hand like my other jobby.
Well I guess i have nothing more eloquent to say at this point in time. It has been a rather slow start here. Which is suprising considering when I visited it was action packed. Maybe it's the weekendness of it. I suspect though that some happenings have made the social gethering somewhat amiss and mostly avoided this place is pretty vacant. It is somewhat startling since about 8 or 9 people live here. I am very glad though to not be involved in any social drama. For once in my short nosy life I have managed to avoid that.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
i complained about your complaining. I was redundant. you were abnoxious. no one won.
Well. what am i supposed say?
the difference between what I think i might do, and what I actually do is vast. Is it that way for everyone?
I ignored someone. then i did it again to someone else. the thing is i wanted to do the exact opposite but my mind wouldn't let me. all the sudden, i felt as if my soul was crumbling into pieces and i got this urge to run as far away from these people as possible. the awful thing is I would have loved to stay. well the world works in mysterious ways. Somehow, it is probably some ridiculous fight or flight response where my nervousness turned into fear. I guess i have to make sense of things somehow.
people often get a surprise when I use the word shy to refer to myself, but it only occurs in certain instances. I need not detail which. but I hate the idea of being seen as rude when it is really some sort of odd social anxiety. it's kind of heartbreaking. I always talk to the shy kids because I know how that can be. it's like wanting what you can have and still not being able to get it. an involuntary self inflicted diet.
why though? I love the world so much. but even i cant give everything i want to. I'm sure my last recourse into love flayed my heart so badly that what is left is a piece so small that it can only love so much without getting exhausted. or maybe i am dead inside. I have lost all ability to love. it wont be long before I start killing. i will start small. I will kill it on the dance floor and slowly move up to the stage.
the difference between what I think i might do, and what I actually do is vast. Is it that way for everyone?
I ignored someone. then i did it again to someone else. the thing is i wanted to do the exact opposite but my mind wouldn't let me. all the sudden, i felt as if my soul was crumbling into pieces and i got this urge to run as far away from these people as possible. the awful thing is I would have loved to stay. well the world works in mysterious ways. Somehow, it is probably some ridiculous fight or flight response where my nervousness turned into fear. I guess i have to make sense of things somehow.
people often get a surprise when I use the word shy to refer to myself, but it only occurs in certain instances. I need not detail which. but I hate the idea of being seen as rude when it is really some sort of odd social anxiety. it's kind of heartbreaking. I always talk to the shy kids because I know how that can be. it's like wanting what you can have and still not being able to get it. an involuntary self inflicted diet.
why though? I love the world so much. but even i cant give everything i want to. I'm sure my last recourse into love flayed my heart so badly that what is left is a piece so small that it can only love so much without getting exhausted. or maybe i am dead inside. I have lost all ability to love. it wont be long before I start killing. i will start small. I will kill it on the dance floor and slowly move up to the stage.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
viva con queso
I feel super cool and victorious lately. i dunno i have a really cool opportunity that I could have. FUNNY THING> i feel like i already have it and my hopes and dreams are so up up and up. I've been working so hard.
life is so insane but I can take it all in so much better now.
SUICIDE DRUGS DRUNk SMASH SMASH BANG FUCk FUCk...........this has been the last two weeks of what I have whitnessed in my surrounding life. and some point I start to look around and say well this all really isnt my problem. People can be ridiculously stupid though.
at the same time I have seen some serious beauty. ART>>>>>>>>not so much. well i just need to go to the met soon. to be honest i've been longing for it. Daffodils Holy God in heaven I love daffodils. Dogs I LOVE DOGS. and at passover I got to pet one like I was gonna love it forever because I took an allergy pill. Also someone helped me see a light within myself. I hadnt realized was there because people told me certain things that were very mean and that had kind of just stayed with me for a while. SOmeone told me I wasnt very generous or giving. this really took a chunk right out of my sense of self. SOmeone just made me realized that I am pretty giving and considerate. But I realized that my giving has nothing to do with objects or materials. I give of myself.
it's just funny how i never saw that.
excuse the existential self revealing feeling fun happy go lucky nice shit.
I love it!
and I love corny and cheesy and just all around silly shit.
life is so insane but I can take it all in so much better now.
SUICIDE DRUGS DRUNk SMASH SMASH BANG FUCk FUCk...........this has been the last two weeks of what I have whitnessed in my surrounding life. and some point I start to look around and say well this all really isnt my problem. People can be ridiculously stupid though.
at the same time I have seen some serious beauty. ART>>>>>>>>not so much. well i just need to go to the met soon. to be honest i've been longing for it. Daffodils Holy God in heaven I love daffodils. Dogs I LOVE DOGS. and at passover I got to pet one like I was gonna love it forever because I took an allergy pill. Also someone helped me see a light within myself. I hadnt realized was there because people told me certain things that were very mean and that had kind of just stayed with me for a while. SOmeone told me I wasnt very generous or giving. this really took a chunk right out of my sense of self. SOmeone just made me realized that I am pretty giving and considerate. But I realized that my giving has nothing to do with objects or materials. I give of myself.
it's just funny how i never saw that.
excuse the existential self revealing feeling fun happy go lucky nice shit.
I love it!
and I love corny and cheesy and just all around silly shit.
Friday, April 8, 2011
okay SO allergies........not so much.
yeah uh. i have a full on sickness. how?
well i dont know. i thought it was allergies. God Fuck. and also. why dont I have friends who understandddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
ok i mean. they do but like GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
fuck face. why am I so different and at odds and ends and the world is spinning. WTF is this axis shit about. why cant you spin the regular way? crooked, the world spinning all out of whack and YOU WANT ME TO DO YOGA? i dont fucking think so. next im gonna get a book about it and a mat. and have conversations about how zen I am. Fuck that. I dont want to be zen.
I hate relaxing!
I hate relaxing!
I hate relaxing!
I hate relaxing!
I hate relaxing!
I hate relaxing!
I hate relaxing!
I hate relaxing!
I AM MAD! damn it. and i dont want to talk about it to anyone. well except one person WHO ISNT HERE. and it's not my mom so SHUT UP! im not gonna be nice anymore. im gonna chain smoke and chain drink and chain sex. and you know why? YOGA. and it's not really yoga but that is a metaphor for the reason I am acting out. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
i've decided to be mad. i've decided to be mad. I wish i could change my mind.
i wish i could change my mind.
ok over it
well i dont know. i thought it was allergies. God Fuck. and also. why dont I have friends who understandddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
ok i mean. they do but like GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
fuck face. why am I so different and at odds and ends and the world is spinning. WTF is this axis shit about. why cant you spin the regular way? crooked, the world spinning all out of whack and YOU WANT ME TO DO YOGA? i dont fucking think so. next im gonna get a book about it and a mat. and have conversations about how zen I am. Fuck that. I dont want to be zen.
I hate relaxing!
I hate relaxing!
I hate relaxing!
I hate relaxing!
I hate relaxing!
I hate relaxing!
I hate relaxing!
I hate relaxing!
I AM MAD! damn it. and i dont want to talk about it to anyone. well except one person WHO ISNT HERE. and it's not my mom so SHUT UP! im not gonna be nice anymore. im gonna chain smoke and chain drink and chain sex. and you know why? YOGA. and it's not really yoga but that is a metaphor for the reason I am acting out. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
i've decided to be mad. i've decided to be mad. I wish i could change my mind.
i wish i could change my mind.
ok over it
Thursday, April 7, 2011
fuck
allergies.
im gonna go buy pills. nice subtle antihistamines. maybe i will go old school with some bennies or new school with zyrzies or claries. hotness i feel my sickness melting away already and my sould is breathing a sigh of relief as I pass out in exhaustion. sleep you allergic baby. WHY DO YOU TAUNT ME WITH NO CHOICES. and to the doctor who told me i should change my lifestyle. NEVER. I will never stop not for me and not for you. DAMN IT.
although im pretty sure he thought i was a drug addict. infuriating.
ON A MORE POSITIVE NOTE. middle C?
I uh. i UH I UH HAVE A HOME> I am with home. i live in the bushwick. thats right williamsburgs younger fatter cousin. but hey, willie and I still hang sometimes. you know when it dark outside and he has been drinking. and the free wifi at startbucks has gone to my head because i forgot to hit up the dollar store to get modelling clay.
tomorrow at noon.
I have a job you whore.
NEVER WILL I GIVE UP MY FREEDOM.
GET OUT OF MY BED.
you were not invited. although for a small fee you can contribute to my freedom. and people please listen..................contribution..............contribute...........contraband........contraception.
if you listened to all of that. you must have been reading out loud.
im gonna go buy pills. nice subtle antihistamines. maybe i will go old school with some bennies or new school with zyrzies or claries. hotness i feel my sickness melting away already and my sould is breathing a sigh of relief as I pass out in exhaustion. sleep you allergic baby. WHY DO YOU TAUNT ME WITH NO CHOICES. and to the doctor who told me i should change my lifestyle. NEVER. I will never stop not for me and not for you. DAMN IT.
although im pretty sure he thought i was a drug addict. infuriating.
ON A MORE POSITIVE NOTE. middle C?
I uh. i UH I UH HAVE A HOME> I am with home. i live in the bushwick. thats right williamsburgs younger fatter cousin. but hey, willie and I still hang sometimes. you know when it dark outside and he has been drinking. and the free wifi at startbucks has gone to my head because i forgot to hit up the dollar store to get modelling clay.
tomorrow at noon.
I have a job you whore.
NEVER WILL I GIVE UP MY FREEDOM.
GET OUT OF MY BED.
you were not invited. although for a small fee you can contribute to my freedom. and people please listen..................contribution..............contribute...........contraband........contraception.
if you listened to all of that. you must have been reading out loud.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
i dont understand the consensus woe
longing for more and still satisfied. That is the place I like to be in life. others however whine and complain, i have started to fake wince. Feigning pity. why do people want so much to be pitied?
today at work someone was in a bad mood. I thought it was funny. Being in a bad mood over stupid rude people. I don't know not really worth my time. but people have bad days.
everyone at work was having one. I was happy but i felt odd being that I was perpetually letting the busy time roll of my back. I guess i couldn't help my natural tendency to realize that my life could be so much harder. maybe their lives used to be easier?
but everyones different/ i can handle a lot i guess.
except when it comes to my heart. i wear that shit "on my sleeve"
that shit smarts. yesterday I thought i was dying when i cute boy said hello to me. i realized later i was just blushing super hardcore and that had never happened to me before. My face felt hot and my ears too. i guess i couldnt see my face so i didnt realize until i googled it later. a hot face means a red face and blah blah blah a full on face woodie. JESUS i cant handle myself. in time and with a lot of sedatives i can cotrol the severity of my reactions.
it is good to be intense though. it is just a tough road to travel.I love people but they affect me to the core of my being. today at work someone brought me and apple it was nice. I felt like the mix of a teacher and someone awesome.
People scare me. People excite me. work was slightly dramatic i pulled through and gained my mood. my sarcasm. I tried to spar with somoene but in hindsight i might have offended someone without saying anything true or offensive. Im not sure if thats a super power or if someone is just overlly sensitive. To be my friend they should have to get used to it as i mean no harm. In fact it is all in affection. I have the showy type of love with the flowers and guns.
as for my love life I have been trying to extinguish it after speaking with rob friday I realize I have been going about things all wrong. Not from anything he said I just somehow had a feeling that I needed to end everything I have going and start fresh with a clean slate. I want nothing so I can see clearly, see everything. Not sure that makes sense but I see it clearly. you know, now that the rain is gone? get it? get it? come on? thats sorta funny!
okay I reread that and its not funny. I dont know it is hard having a voice in writting. I just try to write the way I am thinking it. lots of run ons and fragments but damn I can hear myself.
My life is getting itself together. i wish i had time tomorrow to think but i work until exhaustion. tuesday though i get to feel my life hug my soul. I get to work only half a day. and for now that is my weekend. it hugs my soul, the blanket that is and I look at the clock it is 11 a.m. i make coffee. send an e-mail. watch will and grace, run a ferrand (a fun errand) Do my hair. remember to charge everything. this is tuesday. DEAR GOD I LOVE TUESDAY.
today at work someone was in a bad mood. I thought it was funny. Being in a bad mood over stupid rude people. I don't know not really worth my time. but people have bad days.
everyone at work was having one. I was happy but i felt odd being that I was perpetually letting the busy time roll of my back. I guess i couldn't help my natural tendency to realize that my life could be so much harder. maybe their lives used to be easier?
but everyones different/ i can handle a lot i guess.
except when it comes to my heart. i wear that shit "on my sleeve"
that shit smarts. yesterday I thought i was dying when i cute boy said hello to me. i realized later i was just blushing super hardcore and that had never happened to me before. My face felt hot and my ears too. i guess i couldnt see my face so i didnt realize until i googled it later. a hot face means a red face and blah blah blah a full on face woodie. JESUS i cant handle myself. in time and with a lot of sedatives i can cotrol the severity of my reactions.
it is good to be intense though. it is just a tough road to travel.I love people but they affect me to the core of my being. today at work someone brought me and apple it was nice. I felt like the mix of a teacher and someone awesome.
People scare me. People excite me. work was slightly dramatic i pulled through and gained my mood. my sarcasm. I tried to spar with somoene but in hindsight i might have offended someone without saying anything true or offensive. Im not sure if thats a super power or if someone is just overlly sensitive. To be my friend they should have to get used to it as i mean no harm. In fact it is all in affection. I have the showy type of love with the flowers and guns.
as for my love life I have been trying to extinguish it after speaking with rob friday I realize I have been going about things all wrong. Not from anything he said I just somehow had a feeling that I needed to end everything I have going and start fresh with a clean slate. I want nothing so I can see clearly, see everything. Not sure that makes sense but I see it clearly. you know, now that the rain is gone? get it? get it? come on? thats sorta funny!
okay I reread that and its not funny. I dont know it is hard having a voice in writting. I just try to write the way I am thinking it. lots of run ons and fragments but damn I can hear myself.
My life is getting itself together. i wish i had time tomorrow to think but i work until exhaustion. tuesday though i get to feel my life hug my soul. I get to work only half a day. and for now that is my weekend. it hugs my soul, the blanket that is and I look at the clock it is 11 a.m. i make coffee. send an e-mail. watch will and grace, run a ferrand (a fun errand) Do my hair. remember to charge everything. this is tuesday. DEAR GOD I LOVE TUESDAY.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
scultura manifesto part 1
DRAMATIZATION OF MY BRAIN:
i NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED YOU!
I BLEED YOU
WHY WONT YOU FEED ME
sculpture oh sculpture. why oh why wont you shelter me in your walls and cook my dinner and pay off my students loans. you flaccid whore. i miss your late night touches and the cuts you gave me when i wasnt looking. i watched your fire make my creations and for all this love you leave me so quickly, so sickly. with no course to tread my energies about with, I take this stand and vow to work my hardest to get you back. I fear the time i waste without you will take a toll on my soul. also im sorry i called you a whore, i pushed you away, btu you didnt have to make all my friends fall in love with you and hang out with them while i wasnt around. fine fine, you're right, i'm sorry, i don't own you, BUT SOMEDAY I WILL! DUN DUN DUN
p.s. im really sorry if you read this.
i NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED YOU!
I BLEED YOU
WHY WONT YOU FEED ME
sculpture oh sculpture. why oh why wont you shelter me in your walls and cook my dinner and pay off my students loans. you flaccid whore. i miss your late night touches and the cuts you gave me when i wasnt looking. i watched your fire make my creations and for all this love you leave me so quickly, so sickly. with no course to tread my energies about with, I take this stand and vow to work my hardest to get you back. I fear the time i waste without you will take a toll on my soul. also im sorry i called you a whore, i pushed you away, btu you didnt have to make all my friends fall in love with you and hang out with them while i wasnt around. fine fine, you're right, i'm sorry, i don't own you, BUT SOMEDAY I WILL! DUN DUN DUN
p.s. im really sorry if you read this.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)