needy

theres people that need you that need someone/anyone sometimes they think you need them too to not be wanted back? but who would want ot be with you if you dont even want ot be with yourself

UPPER MIDDLE CLASS WHITE ANGLO SAXON PROTESTANT

My polite silence

Sheltered your weak ego

The lack of honesty created a river between us

A river of silence

Flowing freely, seeping into every moment

So tired I was of your words

Your pretentious perspective 

Some of us don't have a home to go back to if we fail

There's no back up plan

You could never understand

I, still silent

Your words, opinions of someone who couldn't help themselves, because they never had to

New friends

 

Got some new friends,

New things goin on

Old things going on

Very different from who I was last year (happier, weirder)

Ina lot better of a place, could still always do even better though

Upswing baby

Upswing.

Haha, selfie time?  No filter, no make up, no hairbrush, no class 

You aint got no soul POWER

Sometimes when people tell a lie they are also lying to themselves.

People lie to me a lot.

there's a weird thing i've noticed, people have specifically lied to me about bad stuff they have done as to not disappoint me. or rather so that I am not disappointed in them.
  I guess it's good that people care what i think, maybe, im not sure though. it's kind of annoying when people wont let you in because they care so much about what you think.

maybe everyone does this a little bit. it's just weird when i know someone is lying to me and i've already accepted them for who they are. it's strange. I wish that i seemed more accepting or as accepting as i am

okay

not sure if that makes sense, is relatable or even readable.

~Beca

Forever

So pearl paint closed. I went yesterday to pick up some copper for this project I'm working on, I was just there last week, and I had started going regularly to use my hard earned money on yummy yummy art supplies. I come up at 3:30 and it's fucking closed, pretty awful seeing as I just thought that pearl would be there until my accidental death at 63 from crossing the street the wrong way. Haha I'm all upset about it. Fuuuuckkkkkkk so much history with pearl. I mean personally I have a jarring anecdote that involves black pearl gesso and loss of innocence.....random, I know. I gotta go to ultrect today, I don't even know if they'll have what I need. I'm so bent about this, that place was so old and comforting it felt so good to buy there overpriced goods. Also maybe if I knew they were closing I would've shop lifted. Guilt free, probably not, but it's nice to think maybe I could've committed a crime or two. Rest in peace pearl, you old woman name.

Xoxo

          Beca

Craig said

"Be careful who you give your heart to" 

And then 

And then 

I again 

Had someone

  

In my corner and I knew they were thinking the exact same thing as me at the same time and it sort if sucked.

Friends are cool like that though. 

the least obvious benefit

social work helps me to be less of a narcissist.

So notes from the month.....

Sometimes I get really intense. Feelings are so immensely complicated and everchanging. Sometimes I feel like I write stuff down so I can capture those instances where a flood was roaring within me and maybe in my quieter moments I can reflect and understand where exactly this intensity is stemming from. Understanding, however, is such a loaded word, with levels of depth and types. How does anyone ever get understood by anyone else? It must be more than the mind guiding us, because words are so inadequate, a look, a gesture these all come into play. The subtleties of depth. 

hangover

Mr. hangover
coming to work at 3
complaining that he doesnt want to be here
wasting my time.

Mr hangover, youre an asshole

Escapism, desensitization, addiction, rich misery?

Remember when you were an addict and you hurt everyone around you?

 Oh shit you don't and you're dead. 

Why does escapism appeal in this way, in our culture, to so many people. 

Is it that hard to exist without needing to bend reality into something, so that we can handle the times we are living in? Does anyone learn to deal with real pain anymore instead of popping a pill to cope. 

Can we find healthier ways to escape and delve within ourselves? 

Why don't we? 

How many people have to die or Kill themselves accidentally on purpose leaving dozens of shattered hearts along the way.  

How many parents, friends, children have to watch the person they love, lie, steal, and become horrible people to sustain there addiction only to never get better and die? What the fuck is going on? Why is watching the news so hard and how can people watch that shit everyday? 

Do you know what it's like to love someone who will never get better? 

Maybe everyone's too disengaged and Desensitized to care.

Why is people dying of addiction an everyday thing. RIP Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Instead of, I'm sorry your lost your battle with addiction, why is this happening to our generation? Why are the talented rich successful people needing to escape reality so bad that they kill themselves. What's going on here? Why is it so hard to be present in this day and age?  Nobody is asking the real questions that matter because they're concerned with all the shit that doesn't matter.  Like all the movies they won't get to see..

I'm done now.

Just tired of hearing about this shit. 

Of living this shit

Shit,

Beca

(Leggs)

your smile glinted in my mind
reminiscence of you left me on the pavement paralyzed with laughter

fleeting life

Today Eva Kutscheid passed away after a long battle with cancer that i had no idea about until today.

facebook is an odd thing.

Who was Eva?

Eva among other things was an amazing printmaking teacher at booker t. washington highschool for the visual and performing arts. She was an inspiration and she pushed me really hard when i needed and hugged me when i needed. She taught me about tibet and we made prayer flags and participated in afterschool activities including watching the monks create the sand mandala and joining them in meditation. She opened up my mind to culture and the world and also warned me about the dangers of tequila by telling me a story i will never forget. i'm sort of shocked as I discovered today she had made a beautiful book about her struggles with cancer and passed away this morning.

I wish I had told her the effect she had, how i was sort of having a horrible time growing up and all my teachers that supported me and pushed me really made a difference. I wish i had said thank you so much for saving my life, for caring, for telling me that i can be something, and really making a big difference. thank you for extending my journey and improving the quality of my life and being hilarious and amazing. i wish i could hug you goodbye. I will honor you by continuing to follow my passions. You were so badass, an independent powerful woman with goddess like spirituality.

what a beautiful book by a wonderful woman:
http://www.blurb.com/books/4946195-journey


all of us lucky students thank you


Beca

Metaphorical feelings caution hazardous waste

Sometimes I think about this one romance I had. This guy had made me this wonderful necklace. We were sitting together talking and drinking and I leaned forward. The necklace hit my glass and broke off and shattered off of the necklace. I just remember thinking, feeling, like by breaking that necklace in that moment I had broken the romance. The sentimentality had leapt out of the necklace and turned into something else.

The rest of the night was fun and the romance continued.  It's just so weird, I had felt so guilty. Almost like someone who accidentally runs over a dog. 

Maybe it's crazy. But something was lost.

I used to wait for what seemed like hours for my mom at the bus stop in reality it was maybe an hour to a half hour. I just remember always being the last kid there. One year I was recruited to help the secretary In the principles office organize files at the bus stop. Often I would just be alone with my thoughts. Mostly I would assume she had been in a car crash and was late because she was enduring some near death experience and if I was patient enough she would make it out alive and come rescue me from my tormented boredom and morbidity. I also used to make these odd bets. If I can hold my breath for fifteen seconds she will be here In the next five minutes. Sometimes it would just get crazy these bets. If I can hold my breath until a red car passes I won't go to hell. 

Maybe I made a bet on the necklace. If I can keep this in tact this will last.

I think the bets represent an underlying problem. If I have to make a bet to feel that I'm in control of a situation then I'm uncomfortable, and possibly in a situation where I'm emotionally compromised. I just realized that, like right now. 

Emo.

Wanna bet?

Hate you,

             BECA

been a while

Hello,

         My nomadic lifestyle has led me back to crown heights. A part of crown heights with no stores and i really like it, that is, the vast emptiness of this part of Brooklyn compared with the overflow of the city. It's a good juxtaposition for me.

Im up to all kinds of things. I want to give a shout out to Obama care without which i may never have insurance. AHHH hahahaha. we will see how good it is. I am going to be featured in TIME OUT new york...... Apparently I am interesting to them. Very cool. I told them about what i like to do on the weekend.

FOR FUN!

life update....... ahhh just kidding. not ready to divulge. mystery is sexy.

or not.

i dont know.

bye nobody.

BecA