Friday, August 31, 2012
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Okay SO
relate to this so hard right now,
applied to a million jobs
a residency
moving
selling jewelry
working hard
WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE? err day all day on my grind.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
THIS KID
thinking
long horrible immutable thoughts
well horrible is an exaggeration, in fact a horrible exaggeration. HAHA
this fall brings great change in my life. but i feel as if lately I am changing a lot. It can be a little bit awful because of the effort I am having to put forth. I have been stressin like crazy. Change job, change living, change life. Still have good attitude through tribulation. I will not lie, lately I have been getting the worst of myself. Still though I am able to stay focused. through it all I know that all I can do is my best.
I dont know I just have a lot racing through my head. NY NY NY NY STAY STAY STAY GOOOO
opportunity apply apply. write feverish writing so much that I am spewing every singe ounce of myself in written word as if it is my job ,,,, for jobs for life for me sharing so much . ... too much. through it all. well I dont know what I have learned.
something is teetering in my mind about this experience. no existential crisis just maybe I am learning about people and imperfections and how deep seeded it all can be how much back story history and all of those sorts of things life can have and things if left unchecked can get the best of people sometimes. The difference between open minded understanding and dealing with bullshit is more clear to me. but it is such a gray/grey? area. I mean everything reaches its tipping point. I have come to mine.... PS... the book the tipping point although semi interesting.......not written well enough. do not buy, check it out of the library not valid for collecting.
which reminds me sorry about my last melo-dramatic post about a boy. I forgive said the no one that reads this. THATS RIGHT I KNOW NOBODY READS THIS.
but talking to myself out loud or in my head is less fluid by far.
today I was listening, eavesdropping, on someones diatribe about how everyone helping them is a distraction. it is food for thought. How can someone be so ungrateful and yet idiotic and stupid and selfish. I have no other words for this, I will marinate on the subject and think about something more viscous to say on the matter. it was an odd surprise to hear. also i guess you never know who is listening.
HAHAH I am... SUP.
ok later....sorry I am a messy child right now.
need mad hugs from my own soul. P.S. I love you is a good movie.
I like romance. cheesey ooy gooy lovey dovey stuff. I am a cornball. now im just rambling on.
long horrible immutable thoughts
well horrible is an exaggeration, in fact a horrible exaggeration. HAHA
this fall brings great change in my life. but i feel as if lately I am changing a lot. It can be a little bit awful because of the effort I am having to put forth. I have been stressin like crazy. Change job, change living, change life. Still have good attitude through tribulation. I will not lie, lately I have been getting the worst of myself. Still though I am able to stay focused. through it all I know that all I can do is my best.
I dont know I just have a lot racing through my head. NY NY NY NY STAY STAY STAY GOOOO
opportunity apply apply. write feverish writing so much that I am spewing every singe ounce of myself in written word as if it is my job ,,,, for jobs for life for me sharing so much . ... too much. through it all. well I dont know what I have learned.
something is teetering in my mind about this experience. no existential crisis just maybe I am learning about people and imperfections and how deep seeded it all can be how much back story history and all of those sorts of things life can have and things if left unchecked can get the best of people sometimes. The difference between open minded understanding and dealing with bullshit is more clear to me. but it is such a gray/grey? area. I mean everything reaches its tipping point. I have come to mine.... PS... the book the tipping point although semi interesting.......not written well enough. do not buy, check it out of the library not valid for collecting.
which reminds me sorry about my last melo-dramatic post about a boy. I forgive said the no one that reads this. THATS RIGHT I KNOW NOBODY READS THIS.
but talking to myself out loud or in my head is less fluid by far.
today I was listening, eavesdropping, on someones diatribe about how everyone helping them is a distraction. it is food for thought. How can someone be so ungrateful and yet idiotic and stupid and selfish. I have no other words for this, I will marinate on the subject and think about something more viscous to say on the matter. it was an odd surprise to hear. also i guess you never know who is listening.
HAHAH I am... SUP.
ok later....sorry I am a messy child right now.
need mad hugs from my own soul. P.S. I love you is a good movie.
I like romance. cheesey ooy gooy lovey dovey stuff. I am a cornball. now im just rambling on.
Friday, August 24, 2012
letter i will never send
hey sex god, well i guess youre not visiting? SUCKKKKK! why? was I too intense....YES always, forever intense....but whatever im just a big mess right now, who cares anywhoo come by kiss me and just get over it. No i dont care how you feel. kinda very curious about that actually. but hey, you gotta tell me why your all gone now. cuz obviously im needy and I need a reason. and if you dont have one make one up.just kidding. be nice though please. nice is good. I understand I cant always get what I want but i just want to let you know that since you stopped talking to me you have gained weight and it looks awful on you. like really bad it all went to your feet and you look like a clown, jesse told me in a facebook message. that is the real reason I am messaging you your feet are huge and everyones worried about you falling down.
ok I feel really good about everything I wrote and im gonna like leave this message open for 20 minutes come back to it and probably not send it maybe.....? maybe you will see
also.....from the journal of kurt cobain
Monday, August 6, 2012
A correspondence
he is broken hard xxx core. is that wrong? i bet it may be impossible he
is 34. i used to want to fix my mom/ gave up. ----------------has promis when i
yell he listens. IGNORe FeELINGS enjoy snow fat. I will got get ice
crream with rachel soon. I need a therapist when I get back to mull over
why I am dumb and live with problems that arent mine and try to fix
people and end up more broken. or maybe just become a born again
christian and when i lose stuff blame God's will and accept that somehow
someone is caring even though the world is tumbling down.
" the field cannot be seen well within the field "
it's weird this clarity this feeling. I made some nice art at snow farm. i think that helped. I feel like i am more mature. I miss you. I will live somewhere new soon. i've decided to leave on nice note still be friends. that how i role positivity.
and he bugged out and told me that I was lazy, stupid and that it wasn't his fault i cant make art. it was pretty nasty then I realized I couldn't be around someone who was so unstable and capable of saying mean things like that to me and never apologizing. it more complicated than that
I mean also I thought of his relation to my mother and how maybe I am doing this cycle of living with unstable people over and over again and I see it now. I was attracted because I thought I could help myself and him i thought I could help him get better just like I had tried to do throughout my childhood with my mother. I wanted to save him like i could never save her. But that is not my job, it is not my place and I never learned how to take care of myself. I want to learn how to take care of myself I want to be a real person who knows what i need and is willing to be okay with not trying to save everyone who is falling apart around me. I wanted so bad to solve peoples problem because I wish that everyone with great potential and beauty can love themselves and be happy. But they all cant.
i dont know craig. im not lost in myself right now. the pain of my mother doesnt cut deep for the first time in A long while. im so greatfull that I can see. I hope this doesnt sound crazy I just need to make because I have so much to say. The world can be painful so bad and yet I have gotten through so much and I am still okay and I dont know man. I have something. I feel like I have something to give with my work and my life and I cant wait to start again. I am not scared and alone like when i moved here. I am thankful for this place for being a perfect cocktail for self realization for discovery. I love you craig dude youve been a good friend and I dunno man youve been there for me and I appreciate that. I want to make more sculpture because I love it. it feeds my soul. but also i dont need to be around broken people anymore. It's not my fault I finally see that I could never have fixed my mother. for the first time i am not guilty, it's not my fault.
with love,
BECA
" the field cannot be seen well within the field "
BECA as much as you wish you can't fix people.
We're only self repairable
I really like the addition to my nickname
Maybe I'll get that tattooed on my ass
Ha
I kinda want a dumb tattoo
it's weird this clarity this feeling. I made some nice art at snow farm. i think that helped. I feel like i am more mature. I miss you. I will live somewhere new soon. i've decided to leave on nice note still be friends. that how i role positivity.
and he bugged out and told me that I was lazy, stupid and that it wasn't his fault i cant make art. it was pretty nasty then I realized I couldn't be around someone who was so unstable and capable of saying mean things like that to me and never apologizing. it more complicated than that
I mean also I thought of his relation to my mother and how maybe I am doing this cycle of living with unstable people over and over again and I see it now. I was attracted because I thought I could help myself and him i thought I could help him get better just like I had tried to do throughout my childhood with my mother. I wanted to save him like i could never save her. But that is not my job, it is not my place and I never learned how to take care of myself. I want to learn how to take care of myself I want to be a real person who knows what i need and is willing to be okay with not trying to save everyone who is falling apart around me. I wanted so bad to solve peoples problem because I wish that everyone with great potential and beauty can love themselves and be happy. But they all cant.
i dont know craig. im not lost in myself right now. the pain of my mother doesnt cut deep for the first time in A long while. im so greatfull that I can see. I hope this doesnt sound crazy I just need to make because I have so much to say. The world can be painful so bad and yet I have gotten through so much and I am still okay and I dont know man. I have something. I feel like I have something to give with my work and my life and I cant wait to start again. I am not scared and alone like when i moved here. I am thankful for this place for being a perfect cocktail for self realization for discovery. I love you craig dude youve been a good friend and I dunno man youve been there for me and I appreciate that. I want to make more sculpture because I love it. it feeds my soul. but also i dont need to be around broken people anymore. It's not my fault I finally see that I could never have fixed my mother. for the first time i am not guilty, it's not my fault.
with love,
BECA
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