time to go to school

As a child I remember my mother on numerous occasions waking us up. it would be 2,3, or 4 in the morning. it wasnt a normal wake up it would start with a belt or a shoe on our asses. Some yelling. "pigs" "you fucking pigs, you wipe your asses with everything" "get the fuck up, clean the fucking house" this would go on until it was time to get ready for school, we would clean best we knew how When I was five, one morning during one of these endless mind/body/soul battering sessions she told me she was tired of dressing me and I needed to dress myself So i did, i remember they were my favorites, the osh kosh bigosh overalls with some embroidered ribbon on the trim. I was so excited to dress myself I felt so big and mom wouldnt be angry anymore. but apparently it was wrong for the weather she went into a frenzy/rage I remember feeling like i had tried so hard and failed as she hit me with her shoe/belt/hanger, I don't quite remember what she used it never failed every once in a while she would do this. it felt like it lasted forever I remember just wanting it to be over so bad school was our only escape the only thing comparable to that pain never ending, absurd, unexpected and unexplainable hurt is heartbreak but heartbreak doesnt end when it's time to go to school

:)

welll im so productive :)

needy

theres people that need you that need someone/anyone sometimes they think you need them too to not be wanted back? but who would want ot be with you if you dont even want ot be with yourself

UPPER MIDDLE CLASS WHITE ANGLO SAXON PROTESTANT

My polite silence

Sheltered your weak ego

The lack of honesty created a river between us

A river of silence

Flowing freely, seeping into every moment

So tired I was of your words

Your pretentious perspective 

Some of us don't have a home to go back to if we fail

There's no back up plan

You could never understand

I, still silent

Your words, opinions of someone who couldn't help themselves, because they never had to

New friends

 

Got some new friends,

New things goin on

Old things going on

Very different from who I was last year (happier, weirder)

Ina lot better of a place, could still always do even better though

Upswing baby

Upswing.

Haha, selfie time?  No filter, no make up, no hairbrush, no class 

You aint got no soul POWER

Sometimes when people tell a lie they are also lying to themselves.

People lie to me a lot.

there's a weird thing i've noticed, people have specifically lied to me about bad stuff they have done as to not disappoint me. or rather so that I am not disappointed in them.
  I guess it's good that people care what i think, maybe, im not sure though. it's kind of annoying when people wont let you in because they care so much about what you think.

maybe everyone does this a little bit. it's just weird when i know someone is lying to me and i've already accepted them for who they are. it's strange. I wish that i seemed more accepting or as accepting as i am

okay

not sure if that makes sense, is relatable or even readable.

~Beca

Forever

So pearl paint closed. I went yesterday to pick up some copper for this project I'm working on, I was just there last week, and I had started going regularly to use my hard earned money on yummy yummy art supplies. I come up at 3:30 and it's fucking closed, pretty awful seeing as I just thought that pearl would be there until my accidental death at 63 from crossing the street the wrong way. Haha I'm all upset about it. Fuuuuckkkkkkk so much history with pearl. I mean personally I have a jarring anecdote that involves black pearl gesso and loss of innocence.....random, I know. I gotta go to ultrect today, I don't even know if they'll have what I need. I'm so bent about this, that place was so old and comforting it felt so good to buy there overpriced goods. Also maybe if I knew they were closing I would've shop lifted. Guilt free, probably not, but it's nice to think maybe I could've committed a crime or two. Rest in peace pearl, you old woman name.

Xoxo

          Beca