i dont understand the consensus woe

longing for more and still satisfied. That is the place I like to be in life. others however whine and complain, i have started to fake wince. Feigning pity. why do people want so much to be pitied?

today at work someone was in a bad mood. I thought it was funny. Being in a bad mood over stupid rude people. I don't know not really worth my time. but people have bad days.

everyone at work was having one. I was happy but i felt odd being that I was perpetually letting the busy time roll of my back. I guess i couldn't help my natural tendency to realize that my life could be so much harder. maybe their lives used to be easier?

but everyones different/ i can handle a lot i guess.

except when it comes to my heart. i wear that shit "on my sleeve"
that shit smarts. yesterday I thought i was dying when i cute boy said hello to me. i realized later i was just blushing super hardcore and that had never happened to me before. My face felt hot and my ears too. i guess i couldnt see my face so i didnt realize until i googled it later. a hot face means a red face and blah blah blah a full on face woodie. JESUS i cant handle myself. in time and with a lot of sedatives i can cotrol the severity of my reactions.

it is good to be intense though. it is just a tough road to travel.I love people but they affect me to the core of my being. today at work someone brought me and apple it was nice. I felt like the mix of a teacher and someone awesome.

People scare me. People excite me. work was slightly dramatic i pulled through and gained my mood. my sarcasm. I tried to spar with somoene but in hindsight i might have offended someone without saying anything true or offensive. Im not sure if thats a super power or if someone is just overlly sensitive. To be my friend they should have to get used to it as i mean no harm. In fact it is all in affection. I have the showy type of love with the flowers and guns.

as for my love life I have been trying to extinguish it after speaking with rob friday I realize I have been going about things all wrong. Not from anything he said I just somehow had a feeling that I needed to end everything I have going and start fresh with a clean slate. I want nothing so I can see clearly, see everything. Not sure that makes sense but I see it clearly. you know, now that the rain is gone? get it? get it? come on? thats sorta funny!

okay I reread that and its not funny. I dont know it is hard having a voice in writting. I just try to write the way I am thinking it. lots of run ons and fragments but damn I can hear myself.

My life is getting itself together. i wish i had time tomorrow to think but i work until exhaustion. tuesday though i get to feel my life hug my soul. I get to work only half a day. and for now that is my weekend. it hugs my soul, the blanket that is and I look at the clock it is 11 a.m. i make coffee. send an e-mail. watch will and grace, run a ferrand (a fun errand) Do my hair. remember to charge everything. this is tuesday. DEAR GOD I LOVE TUESDAY.

scultura manifesto part 1

DRAMATIZATION OF MY BRAIN:
i NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED YOU!

I BLEED YOU
WHY WONT YOU FEED ME
sculpture oh sculpture. why oh why wont you shelter me in your walls and cook my dinner and pay off my students loans. you flaccid whore. i miss your late night touches and the cuts you gave me when i wasnt looking. i watched your fire make my creations and for all this love you leave me so quickly, so sickly. with no course to tread my energies about with, I take this stand and vow to work my hardest to get you back. I fear the time i waste without you will take a toll on my soul. also im sorry i called you a whore, i pushed you away, btu you didnt have to make all my friends fall in love with you and hang out with them while i wasnt around. fine fine, you're right, i'm sorry, i don't own you, BUT SOMEDAY I WILL! DUN DUN DUN
p.s. im really sorry if you read this.