My ghetto way

I have a gift, it is a certain type of creativity that happens when one grows up poor. It is called a ghetto way . It is just my way.lol.

Another Bullshit night in Suck City

I have a fascination with homelessness. But i cant quite understand it, there are so many things involved. So many different types of homeless.

In my phase I went through of reading the memoirs of poets, I came across Nick Flynn's book Another Bullshit Night in Suck City.  Where he works at a homeless shelter in Boston and one of the Homeless people he runs into is his estranged father.

Talk about fate. He wasn't even from Boston nor was his father.

Anyways I don't know I just look at them and I look so hard and think about, how?

Some people can be helped and some cant be, and I am sure that some of the homeless out there can be helped but I also feel like in our culture and  in these times, some will never ever find their way.

There is really no way to tell who can and cannot be saved.

Time of course will tell all.

So I never give a coin. I just can't, it is not the help they need. I cant give them what they do need, but I also dont feel like wasting my change on false promises. I'm better off making a wish in a fountain. less money, less drugs, less alcohol. Most times addiction masking mental illness. Eventually making it worse. .. until the inevitable death. The pretend solutions of a homeless shelter, which are good things but it just never really is enough.
 The rancid smell of piss, shit and BO. The smells of insanity. NYC SUBWAY. The smell of the deterioration of our cultures need to care, the continuation of the numbness to feeling. People pretending not to see.

these are really unfinished thoughts, things that I think about from time to time, expressed. I am not sure what this exploration of thought will lead to. I guess it is an odd thing to feel for something beyond me. What good can it do? but maybe thats the wrong attitude as well.

Just thinking........... A lot a bit

So I haven't had a cigarette in about a month and it was so much easier than usual to stop because I really feel like I want to never do it again and my reasons are more personal and less social or swayed by others. I found that I was feeling more dissonance with it than usual like it was not even a choice anymore, just a feeling, no more. Well it's hard to explain because it is more of an emotion than a decision. I guess it felt like the right thing to do, it feels like the right time.


I still have a cough that won't go Away which is bothersome. May have to stop over at the docs office And Ask away


I've been trying to make a lot of positive changes. I have glasses now so that I can see better......duh. My room is clean for once. I've been trying to cook my own food. Planning time to create. It's a bit hard because I desperately need a job. I posted things to sell on etsy, eBay, and half.com. But I have an interview for something cool soon.

I'm trying not to be too hard on myself because I want so many things out of life and I feel like my job is a massive waste of time it is easier after a long day of work and maybe some rude New Yorker encounters to get a bit down. I am definitely not living up to my potential. Just trying to figure it all out. What do I want? What's the best way for me to get it and so forth.

After what happened with my mom this year I've just decided to try to take better care of myself or welli guess I never learned to. I kind feel like I had to start from the beginning and learn to be a proper adult. Just little shit, like putting my keys away in a logical spot, being clean, being positive, little decisions like going to bed at a proper hour. Not wasting time going out, trying to treat my body like more of a temple. Trying. I'm getting there. It is hard, things are tempting, drinks are flowing like waterfalls and I'm afraid I might drown

So many people drink so much here. It seems easy to get caught up and think that it is normal behavior but I'm not sure it is, I think people can't see themselves I'm not sure I want to brush things off like there No big deal. Everything has an effect, things build up and escalate. There are consequences, hindsight may be 20/20 but there are also the examples left by the millions of human beings that came before us, I'm going to open up my eyes more. I don't want to blow anything off I want to own myself and who I am and what I do because I need to, I need to have that honesty with myself to feel whole I need to understand why. Because I think understanding oneself is the only way to understand how I see the world, and to be open to new experiences, to learn.

Whatever.

This is cheese, eat it up. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Also cheese cup I made.

AWAKE

Tazo tea