i complained about your complaining. I was redundant. you were abnoxious. no one won.

Well. what am i supposed say?
the difference between what I think i might do, and what I actually do is vast. Is it that way for everyone?
I ignored someone. then i did it again to someone else. the thing is i wanted to do the exact opposite but my mind wouldn't let me. all the sudden, i felt as if my soul was crumbling into pieces and i got this urge to run as far away from these people as possible. the awful thing is I would have loved to stay. well the world works in mysterious ways. Somehow, it is probably some ridiculous fight or flight response where my nervousness turned into fear. I guess i have to make sense of things somehow.

people often get a surprise when I use the word shy to refer to myself, but it only occurs in certain instances. I need not detail which. but I hate the idea of being seen as rude when it is really some sort of odd social anxiety. it's kind of heartbreaking. I always talk to the shy kids because I know how that can be. it's like wanting what you can have and still not being able to get it. an involuntary self inflicted diet.

why though? I love the world so much. but even i cant give everything i want to. I'm sure my last recourse into love flayed my heart so badly that what is left is a piece so small that it can only love so much without getting exhausted. or maybe i am dead inside. I have lost all ability to love. it wont be long before I start killing. i will start small. I will kill it on the dance floor and slowly move up to the stage.

viva con queso

I feel super cool and victorious lately. i dunno i have a really cool opportunity that I could have. FUNNY THING> i feel like i already have it and my hopes and dreams are so up up and up. I've been working so hard.
life is so insane but I can take it all in so much better now.
SUICIDE DRUGS DRUNk SMASH SMASH BANG FUCk FUCk...........this has been the last two weeks of what I have whitnessed in my surrounding life. and some point I start to look around and say well this all really isnt my problem. People can be ridiculously stupid though.

at the same time I have seen some serious beauty. ART>>>>>>>>not so much. well i just need to go to the met soon. to be honest i've been longing for it. Daffodils Holy God in heaven I love daffodils. Dogs I LOVE DOGS. and at passover I got to pet one like I was gonna love it forever because I took an allergy pill. Also someone helped me see a light within myself. I hadnt realized was there because people told me certain things that were very mean and that had kind of just stayed with me for a while. SOmeone told me I wasnt very generous or giving. this really took a chunk right out of my sense of self. SOmeone just made me realized that I am pretty giving and considerate. But I realized that my giving has nothing to do with objects or materials. I give of myself.

it's just funny how i never saw that.

excuse the existential self revealing feeling fun happy go lucky nice shit.
I love it!
and I love corny and cheesy and just all around silly shit.