thinking
long horrible immutable thoughts
well horrible is an exaggeration, in fact a horrible exaggeration. HAHA
this fall brings great change in my life. but i feel as if lately I am changing a lot. It can be a little bit awful because of the effort I am having to put forth. I have been stressin like crazy. Change job, change living, change life. Still have good attitude through tribulation. I will not lie, lately I have been getting the worst of myself. Still though I am able to stay focused. through it all I know that all I can do is my best.
I dont know I just have a lot racing through my head. NY NY NY NY STAY STAY STAY GOOOO
opportunity apply apply. write feverish writing so much that I am spewing every singe ounce of myself in written word as if it is my job ,,,, for jobs for life for me sharing so much . ... too much. through it all. well I dont know what I have learned.
something is teetering in my mind about this experience. no existential crisis just maybe I am learning about people and imperfections and how deep seeded it all can be how much back story history and all of those sorts of things life can have and things if left unchecked can get the best of people sometimes. The difference between open minded understanding and dealing with bullshit is more clear to me. but it is such a gray/grey? area. I mean everything reaches its tipping point. I have come to mine.... PS... the book the tipping point although semi interesting.......not written well enough. do not buy, check it out of the library not valid for collecting.
which reminds me sorry about my last melo-dramatic post about a boy. I forgive said the no one that reads this. THATS RIGHT I KNOW NOBODY READS THIS.
but talking to myself out loud or in my head is less fluid by far.
today I was listening, eavesdropping, on someones diatribe about how everyone helping them is a distraction. it is food for thought. How can someone be so ungrateful and yet idiotic and stupid and selfish. I have no other words for this, I will marinate on the subject and think about something more viscous to say on the matter. it was an odd surprise to hear. also i guess you never know who is listening.
HAHAH I am... SUP.
ok later....sorry I am a messy child right now.
need mad hugs from my own soul. P.S. I love you is a good movie.
I like romance. cheesey ooy gooy lovey dovey stuff. I am a cornball. now im just rambling on.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Friday, August 24, 2012
letter i will never send
hey sex god, well i guess youre not visiting? SUCKKKKK! why? was I too intense....YES always, forever intense....but whatever im just a big mess right now, who cares anywhoo come by kiss me and just get over it. No i dont care how you feel. kinda very curious about that actually. but hey, you gotta tell me why your all gone now. cuz obviously im needy and I need a reason. and if you dont have one make one up.just kidding. be nice though please. nice is good. I understand I cant always get what I want but i just want to let you know that since you stopped talking to me you have gained weight and it looks awful on you. like really bad it all went to your feet and you look like a clown, jesse told me in a facebook message. that is the real reason I am messaging you your feet are huge and everyones worried about you falling down.
ok I feel really good about everything I wrote and im gonna like leave this message open for 20 minutes come back to it and probably not send it maybe.....? maybe you will see
also.....from the journal of kurt cobain
Monday, August 6, 2012
A correspondence
he is broken hard xxx core. is that wrong? i bet it may be impossible he
is 34. i used to want to fix my mom/ gave up. ----------------has promis when i
yell he listens. IGNORe FeELINGS enjoy snow fat. I will got get ice
crream with rachel soon. I need a therapist when I get back to mull over
why I am dumb and live with problems that arent mine and try to fix
people and end up more broken. or maybe just become a born again
christian and when i lose stuff blame God's will and accept that somehow
someone is caring even though the world is tumbling down.
" the field cannot be seen well within the field "
it's weird this clarity this feeling. I made some nice art at snow farm. i think that helped. I feel like i am more mature. I miss you. I will live somewhere new soon. i've decided to leave on nice note still be friends. that how i role positivity.
and he bugged out and told me that I was lazy, stupid and that it wasn't his fault i cant make art. it was pretty nasty then I realized I couldn't be around someone who was so unstable and capable of saying mean things like that to me and never apologizing. it more complicated than that
I mean also I thought of his relation to my mother and how maybe I am doing this cycle of living with unstable people over and over again and I see it now. I was attracted because I thought I could help myself and him i thought I could help him get better just like I had tried to do throughout my childhood with my mother. I wanted to save him like i could never save her. But that is not my job, it is not my place and I never learned how to take care of myself. I want to learn how to take care of myself I want to be a real person who knows what i need and is willing to be okay with not trying to save everyone who is falling apart around me. I wanted so bad to solve peoples problem because I wish that everyone with great potential and beauty can love themselves and be happy. But they all cant.
i dont know craig. im not lost in myself right now. the pain of my mother doesnt cut deep for the first time in A long while. im so greatfull that I can see. I hope this doesnt sound crazy I just need to make because I have so much to say. The world can be painful so bad and yet I have gotten through so much and I am still okay and I dont know man. I have something. I feel like I have something to give with my work and my life and I cant wait to start again. I am not scared and alone like when i moved here. I am thankful for this place for being a perfect cocktail for self realization for discovery. I love you craig dude youve been a good friend and I dunno man youve been there for me and I appreciate that. I want to make more sculpture because I love it. it feeds my soul. but also i dont need to be around broken people anymore. It's not my fault I finally see that I could never have fixed my mother. for the first time i am not guilty, it's not my fault.
with love,
BECA
" the field cannot be seen well within the field "
BECA as much as you wish you can't fix people.
We're only self repairable
I really like the addition to my nickname
Maybe I'll get that tattooed on my ass
Ha
I kinda want a dumb tattoo
it's weird this clarity this feeling. I made some nice art at snow farm. i think that helped. I feel like i am more mature. I miss you. I will live somewhere new soon. i've decided to leave on nice note still be friends. that how i role positivity.
and he bugged out and told me that I was lazy, stupid and that it wasn't his fault i cant make art. it was pretty nasty then I realized I couldn't be around someone who was so unstable and capable of saying mean things like that to me and never apologizing. it more complicated than that
I mean also I thought of his relation to my mother and how maybe I am doing this cycle of living with unstable people over and over again and I see it now. I was attracted because I thought I could help myself and him i thought I could help him get better just like I had tried to do throughout my childhood with my mother. I wanted to save him like i could never save her. But that is not my job, it is not my place and I never learned how to take care of myself. I want to learn how to take care of myself I want to be a real person who knows what i need and is willing to be okay with not trying to save everyone who is falling apart around me. I wanted so bad to solve peoples problem because I wish that everyone with great potential and beauty can love themselves and be happy. But they all cant.
i dont know craig. im not lost in myself right now. the pain of my mother doesnt cut deep for the first time in A long while. im so greatfull that I can see. I hope this doesnt sound crazy I just need to make because I have so much to say. The world can be painful so bad and yet I have gotten through so much and I am still okay and I dont know man. I have something. I feel like I have something to give with my work and my life and I cant wait to start again. I am not scared and alone like when i moved here. I am thankful for this place for being a perfect cocktail for self realization for discovery. I love you craig dude youve been a good friend and I dunno man youve been there for me and I appreciate that. I want to make more sculpture because I love it. it feeds my soul. but also i dont need to be around broken people anymore. It's not my fault I finally see that I could never have fixed my mother. for the first time i am not guilty, it's not my fault.
with love,
BECA
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
thinking about
he keeps telling me im crazy.
they all say that. right before I kill them.
does anybody read this????
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
redefine the impossible.
thats what is written on my bracelet.
I had stop wearing it when some dude was telling our class abot how how he didnt understand jewelry and saw it as meaningless decoration. Then i realized i didnt have to listen to everyone so much and maybe i shoudl just go on and do what I feel like. it's really odd though whne someone you look up to gives you bad advice. I hope to never plant bad seeds or a least to plant mroe good than bad.
i must go seize. conquer. Non ridere, non lugere, neque detestari, sed intelligere!
I had stop wearing it when some dude was telling our class abot how how he didnt understand jewelry and saw it as meaningless decoration. Then i realized i didnt have to listen to everyone so much and maybe i shoudl just go on and do what I feel like. it's really odd though whne someone you look up to gives you bad advice. I hope to never plant bad seeds or a least to plant mroe good than bad.
i must go seize. conquer. Non ridere, non lugere, neque detestari, sed intelligere!
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Notes on Camus
Okay so I know I'm on a serious literati binge. I just bought the Notebooks on Albert Camus and I find them to be surprisingly fresh. Meaning that I find them super insightful and well I will just...........
START.
"He gives no details about the different jobs he took to earn a living, or about his other personal and emotional difficulties, but the honesty with which he mentions his horror of work and the frequency with which he returns to the problem of loneliness do invite us to make a number of guesses about the kind of person he was:"
Just the whole sentence. I mean work, where do I begin, it really tears at me to have to wake up and do something I do not love. Although, I do appreciate the perspective which I have opportunity to gain through experience about the importance of doing what one loves if only for the preservation of the soul.
On loneliness: I may find the most loneliness in the interstitial. In the longing for something else when the present wont do. Within myself when the outside cannot distract. Outside when the superficial attacks conversation. It is found everywhere. In the same essence solace can be found everywhere both things can be healthy and unhealthy. I find the most fruitful thought when I am by myself. but in those instances I don't feel alone, my mind is alive and fervent building the world around us and making sense of the colors that we cant even see.
I enjoyed this: "Life is short and it is a sin to waste one's time. I waste my time all day long while other people say I do a great deal"
To never feel finished. Seems to just be a state of existence.
" I ask of people more than they can give me. It is useless to maintain the contrary. But what a mistake and what despair. And myself perhaps....."
This one, the most throbbing of all.
" You go to see an older friend to tell him everything. Or, at least, something which is stifling you. But he is in a hurry. You talk about everything and about nothing at all. The time to speak has gone. And here I am, more alone and empty than before. How a careless word from a friend escaping my presence will lay waste this feeble wisdom that I am trying to construct! 'Non ridere, no lugere (from Nietzsche: The meaning of knowing.— Non ridere, non lugere, neque detestari, sed intelligere! [Not to laugh, not to lament, nor to detest but to understand.]) .... and doubts about myself and about other people."
I guess I could relate to that. I always seem to lean towards the deeper conversation. I dont always meet up with equal fascination about the meaning of this and that. Right versus wrong. and of course my guilt ridden youth has gutted some conversation of mine for a while. So i relate to not being able to relate. not always but that paragraph did strike me. I felt it, before, those feelings, that longing, the need. Sometimes one must look within.
Camus also loves talking about the weather. Which I love too. Small talk to some but it's everywhere. The weather. Everyone sees it and knows it, and thats amazing. Wow ignore my weather lust.
Last for now. Camus writes in March 1936
"my joy is endless"
Just thought to end on a nice note. hope you EnJOYed <3
-beca
p.s. Does anybody read this?
START.
"He gives no details about the different jobs he took to earn a living, or about his other personal and emotional difficulties, but the honesty with which he mentions his horror of work and the frequency with which he returns to the problem of loneliness do invite us to make a number of guesses about the kind of person he was:"
Just the whole sentence. I mean work, where do I begin, it really tears at me to have to wake up and do something I do not love. Although, I do appreciate the perspective which I have opportunity to gain through experience about the importance of doing what one loves if only for the preservation of the soul.
On loneliness: I may find the most loneliness in the interstitial. In the longing for something else when the present wont do. Within myself when the outside cannot distract. Outside when the superficial attacks conversation. It is found everywhere. In the same essence solace can be found everywhere both things can be healthy and unhealthy. I find the most fruitful thought when I am by myself. but in those instances I don't feel alone, my mind is alive and fervent building the world around us and making sense of the colors that we cant even see.
I enjoyed this: "Life is short and it is a sin to waste one's time. I waste my time all day long while other people say I do a great deal"
To never feel finished. Seems to just be a state of existence.
" I ask of people more than they can give me. It is useless to maintain the contrary. But what a mistake and what despair. And myself perhaps....."
This one, the most throbbing of all.
" You go to see an older friend to tell him everything. Or, at least, something which is stifling you. But he is in a hurry. You talk about everything and about nothing at all. The time to speak has gone. And here I am, more alone and empty than before. How a careless word from a friend escaping my presence will lay waste this feeble wisdom that I am trying to construct! 'Non ridere, no lugere (from Nietzsche: The meaning of knowing.— Non ridere, non lugere, neque detestari, sed intelligere! [Not to laugh, not to lament, nor to detest but to understand.]) .... and doubts about myself and about other people."
I guess I could relate to that. I always seem to lean towards the deeper conversation. I dont always meet up with equal fascination about the meaning of this and that. Right versus wrong. and of course my guilt ridden youth has gutted some conversation of mine for a while. So i relate to not being able to relate. not always but that paragraph did strike me. I felt it, before, those feelings, that longing, the need. Sometimes one must look within.
Camus also loves talking about the weather. Which I love too. Small talk to some but it's everywhere. The weather. Everyone sees it and knows it, and thats amazing. Wow ignore my weather lust.
Last for now. Camus writes in March 1936
"my joy is endless"
Just thought to end on a nice note. hope you EnJOYed <3
-beca
p.s. Does anybody read this?
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